Wednesday, September 19, 2007

A comic tragedy in two acts

ooo- The Cast -ooo

A middle-aged nerd
One of the foreign birds that works in Lunch

Act 1
It is Tuesday 18th September 2007, 2.16pm. The characters are in Lunch, a small and confined sandwich bar on Lombard Street, Dublin. Middle-aged nerdy guy is wearing glasses and faded blue chinos hiked too far up like an American tourist's, showcasing very womanly-looking buttocks and a pot belly. He is ruddy cheeked and curly-haired, sweating lightly in a blue check shirt, has a mobile phone very visibly strapped to his waistband and looks like a cross between Christopher Biggins and the 'Colin' guy off the Fast Show (i.e. "I'm mad me!").

The Cashier is a young, very attractive lady of Italian origin, who speaks functional and broken English.

[Middle-aged nerd enters stage right]


Middle-aged nerd:
Eh, can I have a panini with roast beef, peppers and mayonnaise please

Cashier:
Yes, no problem, would you like it for take away or for to eat here?

M.A.N:
I think I'll have it here thanks. (Pauses) Er...are you Polish? Spanish? French?

Cashier
(Reddening slightly, confused by any conversation that falls outside the parameters of ordering or paying for food): Sorry, eh, what?

M.A.N:
(Embarrassed): Oh nothing, sorry, eh...just...(laughs nervously and geekily)...eh, trying to guess where you're from. Always get it wrong, what? Ha ha. Ahem.

[There follows a brief awkward silence ]

Act 2

Cashier (realising): Oh I sorry, excuse me, I from Italy yes. Sorry I not understand first.

M.A.N (grinning): Ha ha, yes I see, the one I didn't say, typical! (Pauses, reflects a moment, then steps forward to the counter and leans across another customer trying to place an order). You know, in Italy you're probably more used to Antonios and Diegos. Over here it's all...(slows down speech for emphasis)...An-tos and De-cos. Ha ha ha....

Cashier: Sorry, what?

M.A.N: (Red-faced): Eh...it's a joke. I'm joking like. Just a joke.

Cashier: Oh yes of course (feigns laughter).

M.A.N: I'll sit down then.

Cashier: Ok.

[curtains!]

4 moos and woofs:

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