The pipe

Lately I've been thinking about starting to smoke the pipe.

I can't quite fathom why I would want to do this but I can definitely say that on one level I'm worried that I have a deep yearning to be old in a corner somewhere eating semolina and stuff.

Age profile and general lack of yoof street cred aside however, the attractions of pipe smoking are manifold. For a start, you would instantly project a statesmanlike image of intelligence and learning. I'm having me some of that, nobody takes me seriously at all.

The pipe is actually in this regard a thoroughly great prop for gesticulating and intimidating with; you can jab the air to make an key point, wave it imperiously through the air to dismiss the flimsy argument of an opponent, or the coup de grace, even splutter with righteous indignation and have your monocle drop from your eye, should you happen to have one in. If all that isn't enough, there's the fact that Sherlock Holmes and Gandalf also smoked pipes. And he was a right clever bastard while nobody fucked with Gandalf either. Case closed.

Let's face it, everybody knows that smoking a pipe isn't really smoking at all and therefore isn't unhealthy.
Think about it. It's like alcohol free beer and decaffeinated coffee, all the fun, none of the risks. All pipe smokers are old aren't they, so, like, do the maths yourself. It's clearly life-enhancing and possibly, some sort of anti-ageing force. Plus it genuinely smells nice and filling it and cleaning it out, as well as learning how to light it without frazzling your fingers to sticks, is a fine art in itself and it's bits of our heritage like this that we're letting die out.

So there you have it.

The pipe is the way forward. Embrace the pipe.