Monday, November 12, 2007

Drink your diesel

I was down in Cavan at the weekend and meself and Miaow Cow were propping up the bar in my local when it suddenly hit me how unfashionable I am.

I hadn't come out dressed in clown's shoes and a pink leotard or anything, I was actually suitably attired, perfumed and coiffed, as one must always be when socialising in the highly urbane rural Cavan. Pun intended.

No, clothes-wise I'm not too badly off I think, it's the drink you see. I looked about the bar and there were the usual clutch of Guinness drinkers and another few guzzling pints of lager of various affiliations. Herself was having a vodka and the other ladies present were all drinking similar, while the younger set were all leaning louchely against the walls with their bottles of Miller, Corona or y'on technicoloured sugar-muck for people who want to drink alcohol but don't like the taste of alcohol.

Then I looked at my own glass and realised that I was the only one there drinking pints of Smithwicks. This is always the case and I'm starting to think they only get it in for me. Nobody who wants to be cool drinks Smithwicks it seems. It's a relic of old spit n'sawdust Ireland when all there was on tap in most bars was stout and ale - so you could have a pint of anything you might care to name as long as it was stout or ale. Guinness however has stood the test of time and is still very cool to drink, manly and almost a rite of passage. But I tell people what I drink and I can see them doing the social arithmetic and in two seconds flat they have me all worked out - big feckin' ould farmer.

It'll probably tell you all you need to know that Guinness is known as black gold, lager as the amber nectar and Smithwicks as, er, red diesel.

Pah. I don't care. I chug it down quite happily even if it's a lonely place sometimes, out here on Smithwicks island. But maybe it's cool not to be cool. Who knows, I might even become a minor cause celebre some day as curious young folk come up to me in pubs to inquire about my strange little drink, and then sit at my feet, rapt as I tell them about the dangers of Heineken and how to get a little squirt of Guinness in the top of the pint to give it a nice creamy head all the way to the bottom of the glass. Ideally, I'd be smoking a pipe as I tell them that as hangovers go, it's probably the most genteel and that unlike the noxious, glowing and possibly radioactive concoctions they drink, it's red hues are all natural. And I'd also remind them that it's environmentally friendly, because unlike Guinness, you won't be dropping farts the next day that would shrivel a small rain forest.

You know now that I think of it, these things are all cyclical and there will come a time when Smithwicks will be cool all over again and men of experience such as myself will be in a clear position of advantage. There'll be nobody laughing at me then. Ha.

12 moos and woofs:

Grandad said...

Smithwicks is as much a mans drink as Guinness. It belongs to the good old days along with Bass and Carling Black Lable. It's the modern gnat's piss that should be banned; in particular any of that horses urine that comes from America.

You are a man, Moo-Dog. You drink a man's drink. Don't be ashamed.

And the hell with the environment - fart all you like.

Terence McDanger said...

I knew you'd understand Grandad. Neither of us will ever be part of the WKD crew.

Paul Heron said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Terence McDanger said...

I'm surprised at that. You must have got a 'bad pint.' It's the foul lagers that leave me dying the next day, a few pints of ole Smithy and I'm running about like a young goat all day Sunday.

Paul Heron said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Terence McDanger said...

Aye I know the way/. My first drunk sickening was on Heineken and I literally have never touched the stuff since, that's like 15 years or summat

Sure it tastes like Satan's piss anyway.

Radge said...

I'm defending Heineken, even though I hate rugby. And as the only 'man' here to have met old Terence in the skin, he has never run like a young goat.

I see in my fad chart that Smithwicks is due to return to mass appeal in 2026. Nineteen years. Terence will be 50. And drinking the long discarded WKD.

clairec23 said...

I used to do the ah, that's Bass bit too :)

The only person I know that drinks Smithwicks is my grandmother and she's definitely not a man :) Even when I worked in a pub, not many people drank the stuff, it's not that bad but maybe it's just not promoted as much.

Terence McDanger said...

Smithie gets a bad rap Claire, totally undeserved. It's all about promotion y'see, it's image is as a drink for old shitheads like me. Only if I drank small sherries on a Saturday night in Temple Bar would I feel more ludicrous.

I might launch a campaign. "Try a Smithwicks again, you might remember that you actually like the stuff."

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