Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Hot or not?

I just don't get people who like hot food.

Tell me this, how in the name of Jasus can burning the hole off yourself at the dinner table enhance the dining experience?

Lots of people in my family and a good few of my friends love hot and spicy food. This means that when I go for a meal with them they're all there merrily tucking into dishes like the Flaming Jalapeno Revenge of Ganesh with Extra Chili and there's me sweating in a corner over a namby-pamby Korma. While they all poke me with sticks and laugh at me. Fine, but I really struggle to see the appeal in eating overstrength toothpaste as the highlight of a social occasion.

Seriously, what's it all about? Can someone tell me how dripping sweat into a meal enhances the taste? What's to be gained by having to stop eating to blow your nose every 30 seconds? Why wolfing down the equivalent of a bowl of Deep Heat muscle rub is some people's idea of a good night out? Isn't food supposed to be enjoyable and not an endurance test?

I think it must be a macho thing myself. As in, not only am I richer and have the prettier wife, I shall now bolt down this triple-strength vindaloo without so much as blinking and furthermore, won't even deign to have diarrhoea afterwards. Pah!

I also hear that hot food is actually like a drug. The more you take of it the more you need to take to get the 'effect' next time, whatever the hell that might be, but presumably it's like having someone squirt acid down your throat with a fire hose.

I'm not completely sure this is genuinely true though. Occasionally, I have tried building my tolerance level and opted for the 'mild' dish at Indian restaurants, and despite a few dizzy spells and a glistening brow by the end of it, I came out unscathed at the other end and no incendiary farts escaped to terrorise the neighbourhood. It tricked me into a sort of confidence and next time, sufficiently emboldened, I went for something a little bit stronger. And alas, alas, I wound up up screaming with all my fillings in meltdown as restaurant staff ran to break open the emergency yogurt for me to bury my face in. That finished me with the hot food I'm afraid.

Listen, it's basically like this. Each to their own and all that, so you nutjobs can put salsa and tabasco all over your cornflakes if you like, but I'm having a salad and don't expect me to sympathise when some night you're out and your internal organs shrivel up and drop out your bums, s'all I'm saying. So there.

That will be all for now.

12 moos and woofs:

Grandad said...

Vindaloooooooo! Mmmmmm! Yum!

Paul Heron said...

Next time when out with family/friends who insist on overly hot/spicy foods, see if you can slip some laxatives in!

It just might have the effect of them attributing the follow on experience to the food ;-)

(either that or they'll find out you did it and become former family/friends)

Terence McDanger said...

Gramps, I never had you down for this sort of carry on I must say. I am chuffed that you braved your Firefox problems to offer comment however. If you rip the arse out of that new suit at the Golden Spiders after putting away a hot Biryani, you've only yourself to blame.

@Paul- laxatives eh? An arse like a fire breathing dragon might teach them a lesson alright.

Grandad said...

The hotter the better.

It comes of being stationed beside one of Dublin's first Indian Takeaway s [Punjab 2] in my student days. They had categories of heat-
Extra hot
Extra Very Hot.

The last one would melt tungsten.
A curry isn't a curry unless you have to wipe the sweat off your brow and blow your nose at least five times after.

Now I'm getting hungry...........

Susan said...

I think it's just as you suspect: "Me so MANLY! Me eat FIRE!" (Me so impressed. Me leaving, get All-Day Breakfast 4.95.)

KFC's 'original recipe' is as hot as this Cavantucky neighbour can manage, personally.

Baino said...

MANLY - I take umbridge! I love spicy food and I'ma SHEILA! As long as it doesn't disguise the taste.

Curries go in the same way they come out - brown! Try Thai - Hot and spicy with no ring of fire!

Terence McDanger said...

Jeepers. Melt Tungsten eh? I bet it'd do worse to something equally plasticky. Like Victoria Beckham. Heh heh.

@Susan and Baino - I think it IS a manly bravado thing, but obviously this applies only if you're a man. Or Martina Navratilova.

I'll get me coat.

Susan said...

You've got it exactly right, Terence, I never meant to imply women eat hot food to prove their manliness!

LOL I do have a few girlfriends who genuinely enjoy spicy food while I sit and stare; but the men of my acquaintance are another story...

Terence McDanger said...

All that said though, Baino would still kick my ass in a fight.

Carol said...

Hilarious!! I think it is a guy thing because when we'd all go out to eat as a group, if one person orders the hot wings, the other guys try to "one up" the other and get hotter wings, or get the suicide wings etc. I see this scenario many times and not just with hot foods. I've seen it with drinks (who can drink the most disgusting concoctions) and who can drink MORE of these disgusting concoctions. :)

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