Monday, November 05, 2007

Top 10: Reasons why cows are better than women


I love cows. Just look at them rocking out to some heavy metal music in the picture there. A cow kicking back after a tough week in the field and giving it socks with his pals truly is a sight to behold. Cows are just great craic altogether, there's no better company on a night out.
I've a soft spot for women as well mind you. I spend alot of time thinking about women too and although they're not as good at the ould dancing and can sometimes ruin good nights out with their complaining and breaking wine bottles across the back of your head for falling into some other girl's cleavage, I'm somewhat attached to them as well. However, if forced to decide between the two, it's the cows for me every time. For the following reasons:
  1. You can tell a cow that she is "a right fat old cow" and instead of cleaving your head off with a claw hammer, they will just stare serenely at you and may even take it as a compliment
  2. You can slap a cow roughly across the arse and pass it off as merely agricultural appreciation on your part, women for some reason would see this as grounds for sexual harassment proceedings. Similarly, you can gaze at another cow's teats for ages and the cow beside you won't mind a bit
  3. A cow can multitask by going to the toilet and walking at the same time. The merits of women being able to do this may seem dubious from a hygiene perspective but men who have had to wait on their other half outside shopping centre toilet while doing Christmas shopping will at least pause here for thought
  4. The Bull Run in Pamplona just wouldn't be the same fun if people were being chased by angry women instead of cows. Ditto for the bullfighting elsewhere in Spain. A mad old biddy chasing someone round the ring with a rolling pin just doesn't have the same gravitas
  5. Cows have no interest in and therefore do not perpetuate the existence of Reality TV shows like 'What not to wear at Big Brother's Celebrity Come Dancing Wife-Swap on Get me out of here Love Island'. Or something.
  6. When cows go loopy you can have them put down humanely, if a woman catches BSE you're stuck with her
  7. There is less bitchiness between cows competing in a Lovely Cows competition at an Agricultural Fair than there is, for example, at the Rose of Tralee. The cows don't recite a shite 'funny' poem or croak their way through some Oirish ditty and I bet there's no backbiting in the barns before going on stage either.
  8. Cows have made a stellar contribution to the vernacular lexicon with such gems as 'How now brown cow' and 'Holy Cow' and 'Don't have a cow man.' Therefore, elocution lessons, and episodes of Batman and the Simpsons, would have suffered greatly if cows never existed and the same just cannot be said of women
  9. All you need to keep a cow placid and happy is a large grassy field and some electrified fencing. By contrast, the riot police wouldn't keep manners at a hen night when the stripper comes in
  10. You can give a cow a girl's name like Buttercup, Betsy or Daisy but unreasonably, women won't allow this to work both ways and will have a pink fit if you call them Charolais, Heifer or Aberdeen Angus. The cows.

9 moos and woofs:

Baino said...

I've been reliably informed that my nick name "Nell" is a euphamism for a cow in the United States (then they're weird over there). So I guess I have the right combination of femininity and bovinity. I'm mooved. Also, cows don't mind if you tweek their nipples.

Terence McDanger said...

I bet they don't. Sure when you've got 7 or 8 of them it'd be churlish to object.

Grandad said...

Don't ever try sharing a double-bed with a cow though. It's murder.

Take it from one who knows...

JD said...

terence.

Your blog has been the source of my procrastination of my homework for over a month now. each one gets funnier. keep it up!

Terence McDanger said...

Aha! The reason why Grandad ricked his back, finally revealed: frolicing with cows. Wait till they get wind of this at the golden spiders!

JD, good to hear you're a fan. Only the Canadians get my humour, the yanks just come in and look around for 2 seconds and leave! You're clearly a man of taste.

Odd Thomas said...

lmao - genius!

Annie Rhiannon said...

"if a woman catches BSE you're stuck with her"

It's only funny because it's true.

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