Tuesday, December 04, 2007

Micky White for Ireland job!


Moo-Dog can exclusively reveal that accomplished actor Michael Caine has become the latest to "throw his hat in the ring" for the position of Republic of Ireland football manager. The Merrion Square office of the FAI is now entirely concealed under a mountain of trilbies, bowler hats, peak caps, berets and the funny little Islamic one belonging to Philippe Troussier.

Caine's hat is right on top of the pile at this stage however after sauces close to the actor signalled his interest in the job to influential soccer media whore and secret kingmaker Paul Heron, who they swore to secrecy. However he emailed me the whole lot when he was drunk. It seems Caine is "seeking a new challenge" and is anxious to make a move into international football management while he still has time. The actor's advisors have pointed out in a series of well-placed leaks that the 74-year-old has extensive experience in hat-throwing in general, having worn them with distinction in alot of his movies, and throwing them about with a thespian flourish in more than one.

The bespectacled double Oscar winner is also thought to have grown disillusioned with Hollywood where he has to deal daily with overpaid drama queens of dubious ability and favours jumping aboard the FAI where he would only have to deal with overpaid drama queens of dubious ability about eight times a year.

Caine's real name is Maurice Micky-White which sounds Irish enough, and crucially, he can point to a most impressive body of achievement in football management far beyond that of the 3,432 other candidates jockeying for the post. In 1981 smash-hit movie Escape to Victory, playing ex-West Ham star John Colby, he had his finest hour on the sidelines when he marshalled a disparate and eclectic bunch of World War II footballers with massive success.

With a sprinkling of stellar talent mixed with journeymen footballers, Caine's talent as a manager shone out when his rag-tag bunch of WWII prisoner-of-war soldiers was unified under his anointed hand into a crack football unit that subsequently came from 4-1 down to draw against a bunch of surly, cheating Nazis at the Stade Colombes in Paris. Showing an intricate knowledge of sports nutrition way ahead of its time, Caine also succeeded in fattening up a bunch of emaciated lice-ridden East European refugees who arrived at his camp one day and somehow moulded them into world class footballers by feeding them nothing but tinned peaches every day for about two months. Remarkably, multi-tasking Caine also simultaneously masterminded the digging of an escape tunnel under the dressing rooms but was inspired not to bother with it on the day after a stirring half time speech from Sylvester Stallone, who would go on to save a penalty in the dying moments. He did so mostly by pulling a grotesque gurning lock-jawed type face and groaning in slow motion. It worked though and after Stallone's heroics, overcome fans flooded the pitch and swept the players off the field to freedom by making them invisible under magic overcoats and flat caps, while a German army merrily murdering millions across Europe just looked on as they surged past, perhaps too gutted at dropping two points to be able to shoot.

The fairytale achievement has now caught the eye of the FAI whose record for seeking talent outside the box is well established. There is some disquiet in Merrion Square that in Escape to Victory, Irish goalkeeper Kevin O'Callaghan had his arm deliberately broken to allow Stallone take his place as goalie, but association bigwigs are hopeful that the soccer family in Ireland can overlook this if Caine is appointed.

"Michael is a serious contender," said an FAI sauce. "Some might snigger but if Howard Kendall feels he can have the job because he has a newspaper column and goes to games at weekends, I think Caine's credentials must also be considered as well.

"His track record is immaculate. Coming back from conceding four goals to draw against the Germans, with a dodgy ref and Sylvester Stallone in goal, is no mean feat. And having seen the film, getting Pele to perform that bicycle kick 20 times in rapid succession, despite his banjaxed ribs, defies belief. I've rewound it many times and still can't figure it out, so if Caine can work that magic on Damien Duff, we'll be away on a hack. We're not ruling anybody in or out at this stage."

As an unrelated aside, Caine has experience of working with muppets, having starred in The Muppet Christmas Carol back in 1993.

12 moos and woofs:

Paul Heron said...

LOL - I'd enough of a chuckle reading this that I thought I'd better submit it on digg.com ;-)

Joking aside, it might not be such a bad idea getting Caine in, can he really do any worse than the rest we've had ?

Terence McDanger said...

I'm the bladdy boss, I'm the bladdy gaffa, wot I say bladdy goes!

Susan said...

You two have a point. He's somewhat qualified (better than most of our politicians are qualified), and we could get worse. Have HAD worse.

Eh, why not?

Baino said...

Funny post, funny game, funny prospect having the dirty rotten scoundrel on the bench. If Rusell Crowe can own a Rugby League team and
Anthony LaPaglia can own a significant portion of Sydney FC soccer . . Caine can cane it with Irish Footy!

Adullamite said...

I believe Stallone challenged Pele!
He bet him $100,000 that Pele could not score ten out of ten penalties against him (In an Italian/Brooklyn accent).

Guess who got the cash! :)

Terence McDanger said...

Ha ha, good old Sly. I guess he reckoned that on the law of averages alone, Pele was bound to slip or lose concentration for at least ONE peno. No dice! It seems contorting one's mouth and groaning in slow motion only works on heavily perspiring Nazis.

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