Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Lovely girls #3


There are way more lovely girls than there is time or space to blog about them. God is generous and his gifts are bountiful.

The creation of woman was, when you think about how captivating and befuddling the finished project turned out, quite a perfunctory little operation in the main. God had apparently just finished his Adam and seeing that he had turned out alright, decided to make an Eve. For company like. He did this by taking a rib from Adam, who was having a kip, and fashioned it quick-smart into a woman. (At this point, my daft brain is wondering what sort of high jinks this could lead to if the Messiah returned to earth, got drunk with his 12 latter day apostles and visited a chinese afterwards...and in a showboating moment of weakness, ordered the ribs. But that's just me, I'm stupid and will now get back on topic. But not before asking you to consider the craic there'd be in the chipper next door if he pulled the old one-two with the loaves and fishes.

Anyway, this meditation on God, creation, ribs (spare, and not - but Adam didn't mind), the essence of woman and burgers and chips, has all been inspired by one thing. Scarlett Johansson. Now there's a woman to stop you in your tracks and make you reflect, like all those people did in the ads for the Angelus for instance.

Scarlett has, in her short career, already scaled heights of loveliness previously before thought impossible. So distinctly and uniquely lovely has she already proved herself, the only way for her to move now might well be into ugliness. And if she's anywhere near as lucky as Charlize Theron, she might win an Oscar for it.

But I digress. Like so many of the lovely girls, Scarlett came to our attention on the big screen. As the surname name would suggest, she is of Scandihoovian extraction, but running slightly contrary to her first name, is not an arresting shade of fire engine red and is instead of the normal skin colouring you'd expect. Even when embarrassed. And if you're as lovely as her you've no reason to ever be embarrassed.

You'll remember Scarlett from films like the Horse Whisperer, which T McD hasn't actually seen but supposes that in it, she spent alot of time muttering conspiratorially in the flickering ears of traumatised gee gees. Lost in Translation gained her some more fans, Girl with a Pearl Earring swiftly followed and somewhere along the line she wanted - as in offered, proposed (yikes, maybe even demanded) to go topless in a movie called The Island. Director Michael Bay wouldn't let her though, as he wanted the flick to retain a general audience rating. I'll pause now while some of you think of a suitable term of abuse for Mr. Bay.

Interestingly Scarlett is addicted to cheese, saying "nothing else rules my life." I include this fact because no doubt Radge will be delighted that all those 'cheese of the week' items haven't been for naught. Although, asking a lady back to a hotel room for a nibble on one's Stilton has yet to appear in books of chat up lines.

The only thing that stopped Moo-Dog from elevating this Goddess even earlier than now is that in many ways, she is too obvious a choice. She has all the run of the mill eye-popping physical components and characteristics of the perfect woman - facially stunning, full-figured and vivacious, keen on topless scenes and - bonus! - very well informed about cheese. But I think the real point here is: not afraid to eat it.

Scarlett, we salute you. May you ever be lovely, retain your beauty and your down to earth ways. Don't start doing skag or turn into a skinny ugly badger with yellowed teeth and greasy dank hair. It'd spoil it for the rest of us. Thanks.
Monday, February 26, 2007

Lost but now am found


Sigh, it's been a tough few months. I have basically been under the cosh since my last blog way back there in January, year of our Lord, 2007. The interim has been one heady swirl of work, rat-race pressures, booze fuelled parties, recreational drugs, casual sex with dusky nubile maids from sweltering climes and rampant debauchery of unspeakable kinds. No, wait, hang on...I started lying outrageously there after I typed 'work.' Have to watch that.

Yer, it's been up the walls at work. Proper pain in the brown.

Anyway, I'm back now and will endeavour to construct something resembling regular blogs in the future.

Be well my army of three readers, for a lovely girl is waiting in the wings and my God she's a total corker.