How did you get here?

You, my dear readers are all a bunch of mentlers, that's all I can say. With the obvious exceptions. I've been writing regularly on this blog for about four months now and some of the search engine terms that people use to find their way here would make a nun blush. I've just realised now too that some time in the future, some loony is going to search for a 'mentler blushing nun' and he'll find Moo-Dog.

Anyway, here's the best of my worst of:

"cute women doing nasty shit"
Nope, sorry, we're all out of cute women doing nasty shite. Come back on Friday when two gorgeous housewives from Tullamore will be pulling the legs off insects and then burning them with matches.

"dog erections"
The charitable part of me wants to believe this was a serious art student searching for the amazing sculptor-dog of ancient Greece, but we all know it was the other don't we? Ewww. There are other far more deviant searches involving dogs but even I won't put them in. And I'd publish practically anything. Although 'dogs in trilbies' was fairly safe even if the mind still boggles...

"Kerry Catona showing knickers and tits"
I take it all back about the person searching for dog erections, this is far worse.

"Lorraine Keane's legs leather trousers"
I take it all back about the person searching for Kerry Catona showing knickers and tits, this is far worse.

"Mind and knickers Cavan"
Is there a self help group in my home county now, where people can go and contemplate the meaning of underpants while aligning their chakras with some guru in a tantric tent? If so, why didn't anybody tell me about it? Hrmphhh.

"My dog Skip still wets his pants"
Sweet divine. Dogs in trousers is one thing, dogs with poor bladder control quite another, and some eejit searching the internet for it just takes the biscuit.

"Pictures of older ladies in their knickers"
If there's anything worse to chance upon while browsing the net than old women in their smalls, or not so smalls as if frequently the case, I defy anyone to tell me what it is.

"Piss pie"
Well, er, at least you could be sure it's definitely homemade...

"Sally Fletcher sex with midget"
Ah yes, "officially" it doesn't exist but sealed away in the secret vaults of Australian TV studios, resides the infamous, as yet unseen post-watershed pilot episode of Home and Away, where Sally eats too many bonza burgers and drinks too much OJ, has a bad allergic reaction, sheds all her clothes and then runs amok at the circus visiting nearby Yabbie Creek. Needless to say, the locals were aghast but the circus midget said he'd never had a more pleasant day at work and then everyone went to the surf club and on to the diner, then to the beach and finally back to the caravan park. Network 7 will air it someday, you mark my words.

"Show us your muff"
Sure thing buddy. Get a load of this girl's muff!

STILL want more muff? PHWOARRRR!!!!

Now, don't say I'm not good to the pervs out there.

"What should you look for to tell a dog's mood"
I'm no expert now, but I'll hazard a guess and say if he's growling and has his teeth sunk into your groin, he's a bit pissed off and probably needs feeding or a bit of a run in the fields to release tension.
And if he's wagging his tail and there's a strange smell in the air, he's just farted.

"What do you do when a dog drinks alcohol"
Again, I'm no expert and have little experience of depressed dogs hitting the sauce, but I reckon you should just take Skip's car keys off him, give him a hug and tell him he won't find the answer at the bottom of a bottle, and finally, put a pair of incontinence knickers on him because as we all know, he loses the run of himself and after a few pints of Smithwicks, can't be expected to take care of himself.

"Women with cow nipples"
I have nothing to add to this.

"Women's hairy arses"
Er...pass!

So there you have it. There's alot of oddballs out there and if you think the above is bad, you should see some of the ones I had to leave out for reasons of taste. And if I left some out for taste reasons, and dog erections, women with cow's nipples and piss pie still made it in, then you have some idea of just how bad it is.

Anyway, as an experiment today, I'm going to type a list of weird stuff just to see if some nutjob out there searches for it at some stage in the future. I'll let you all know if anything happens:

Elephant in nappies. Naked sheep eating a turnip. Women with no false teeth in. Bertie Ahern smothered in custard. Brad Pitt racing zebras in a microwave oven dressed as Flash Gordon. Knickers made out of sheet metal. Morris dancers sex orgy set to the Dirty Dancing soundtrack. Camogie stars' knickers. My dog Skip poos his pants. Two cows, one cup.