Tuesday, February 19, 2008

I'm a handbag racist

I tumbled to the above conclusion in Argos yesterday. I'm a racist.

It's like this. You know how when you're a bloke, right, which I don't expect female readers do, but bear with me, and even though you have a lovely Miaow Cow girlfriend and you love her and wouldn't be unfaithful and all that, you still like to play hypothetical what-if flirtation type games with opposite members of the female sex. In this case, opposite me at the counter in Argos.

This particular blonde that I did espy while heaving through the epic and weighty tome that is the Argos catalogue, well, it's fair to say she ticked all the boxes. Not that I have many boxes, as it were. You see, as I explained to Radge the other week, as I've gotten older, the scope of women I now find attractive has broadened considerably from the 'Must have breasts. Big ones' criteria of my feckless adolescence. Personality, intelligence etc., all that's in the mix now, even good looks are sometimes optional if I'm just plain old bowled over by her in other ways. I was musing out loud on this at lunch in MockTurtles pub, staring off over everyone's heads and issuing forth with self-important bombast:

"Yeah. It's interesting isn't it, how my notions of what's attractive in a lady...have rippled outwards over time, and become, just, more inclusive, you know? I notice myself finding a much wider range of women attractive now, a, you know...(pause for deeply considered thought)...a more varied caste of female.

Everyone hmmed and nodded appreciably.

"No, wait," I said. "I think I'm just more desperate the older I get."

You kinda had to be there. Anyhee, this one in Argos was reasonably pretty. She had a nice figure, was well turned out and had all the right bumps and bends where you'd expect them, which would have been handy, um, if I was a jockey. But I digress. She was really polite and friendly to the sales assistant too, smiled alot. I was impressed, I liked her.

So I went off doing the old "now if I was single, would I or wouldn't I chance my arm here" potentiality algorithms in my head, when the whole process came to a sudden shuddering halt. What was that I saw on her arm? Ewwww. A goddamn D&G handbag. A really loud, brazen screaming one with a massive feck off logo blaring off the side of it, just so everyone could see it and know she had a fashionable handbag.

Huh, I thought. Bang goes her chances of a virtual potentiality moment of hypothetical McDanger love. No matter how nice she otherwise was I just couldn't see past her choice of ostentatious, showy handbag. It's just too much, too unsubtle, too desperately needful of having the world look at her handbag. She was forever and irretrievably damaged in my eyes.

And it dawned on me there and then, I was a handbag racist. Or at the least, a judgemental clown.

It set me thinking of all those others I'd seen but mentally crossed off that list of Oooh-I-like-her-but-of-course-she's-not-to-be-pursued women. Smoking, or more accurately, reeking of smoke is another major turn-off, so is dirty or unkempt hair, but overall, most of them just had a really horrendous handbag. A big bulky yoke festooned with shitty glitter and straps and dreadfully imposing labelling plastered all over it. It's just wrong. I can't really explain my aversion, but I think it's related to being too all-embracing of popular celebrity trends. Am I a total eejit or am I just a handbag racist?

Anyway, I showed you mine, now show me yours.

16 moos and woofs:

Adullamite said...

Expensive handbag = expensive woman.
You are worth nothing to her without money!
Your not getting old, your tastes are maturing, that's all.
Mind you, I get annoyed with young lassies who insist on calling me 'dad!'

Tom Evans said...

I'd say you're just confused. What kind of man really gives a shit about handbags at all?

Entertaining blog, btw, thanks. Consider yourself approved by BE.

Thriftcriminal said...

Well, given my self appointed moniker I think you can guess where I stand. I too am a handbag racist, I reckon an obsession with labels is indicative of a certain frame of mind. I'm going to remain diplomatic. Recently found your blog BTW, like it.

Paul Heron said...

Yup the tell-tale signs of growing up are there for all to see... Kinda makes you miss the good old days ;-)
Handbag racism can be a good thing though, lets you know which women should be avoided at all costs !!!

Terence McDanger said...

@Adullamite - my tastes mature, but I'm determined that I myself never will...

@Tom and Thrift - welcome to the barking milking parlour, new readers always welcome. I think I have eleven now.

@Paul - you're right of course. It's all well and good being more modern and inclusive, but it was so much easier sorting out who you liked and who didn't on the rudimenatry basis of booby shape. Ah well.

nuttycow said...

I'm not entireley sure what it's like to be a man (being a woman 'n' all) but I do know the game of which you speak. Believe me, women do it the whole time. For me, it's all about the shoes. Bad shoes = bad man.

PS I don't own anything designer or overtly ostentatious. Unless you count my tiara?

Terence McDanger said...

Tiaras are fine.

In a very non-inflammatory way though, I can't stand burkas. I think they're just crafty ways for women to hide the fact they've got secret beards.

Rosie said...

i love big handbags and own several squillion of them. shiny ones. none of them cost more than 30 quid though, as i cannot be trusted to take care of anything that costs more than, well, 30 quid.

i hate women with designer orange skin. they smell funny. they're usually the ones with the designer handbags and the designer jeans (which are worse again).

i'm with NuttyCow on the shoes front, but i'm also chronically single at the moment and i suspect it would take a lot more than shiny white reeboks to put me off at this point.

Terence McDanger said...

You see it's not the size of the bag that snags me, it's a huge bag with a massive shouty label on it that makes me run for the hills.

I can comprehend the need for a big bag as women need to carry purse, mobile, ipod, makeup, GHD, small notepad, one hundred assorted items of jewellery, tissues, STs, chewing gum, small snacks and occasionally, a designer puppy. Just put a big label on it and I'm gone.

Rosie said...

"...women need to carry purse, mobile, ipod, makeup, GHD, small notepad, one hundred assorted items of jewellery, tissues, STs, chewing gum, small snacks and occasionally, a designer puppy."

you forgot to add their husband/boyfriend/whatever he deigns to call himself's phone, car keys, wallet, dignity and self-respect.

Terence McDanger said...

Ha you're actually right there, I occasionally rent a bit of space in the GFs handbag alright!

I hang on to the dignity and self respect myself though, there's so little of that I can comfortably carry it around, all on my Tobler.

Baino said...

Never understood the need for more than two pairs of shoes and a leather backpack myself. A good lookin' bloke is all I need for an accessory. Although a large and ostentatious handbag is a weapon of self defense. Remember the NZ rugby player who was knocked out when his manager thwacked him with a borrowed handbag! Shock and Awe with a Gucci label!

ninest123 Ninest said...

ninest123 07.24
prada handbags, michael kors outlet, burberry, longchamp, michael kors, michael kors outlet, oakley sunglasses, burberry outlet online, nike air max, michael kors outlet, coach outlet, oakley sunglasses, jordan shoes, polo ralph lauren outlet, nike outlet, coach purses, ray ban sunglasses, coach outlet, longchamp outlet, true religion jeans, tiffany and co, chanel handbags, michael kors outlet, kate spade handbags, replica watches, gucci outlet, louboutin outlet, michael kors outlet, kate spade outlet, tory burch outlet, oakley sunglasses, polo ralph lauren outlet, ray ban sunglasses, tiffany jewelry, nike air max, coach factory outlet, prada outlet, nike free, louboutin, christian louboutin outlet, longchamp outlet, louboutin shoes

ninest123 Ninest said...

ray ban pas cher, ralph lauren uk, vanessa bruno, new balance pas cher, louboutin pas cher, hermes, timberland, vans pas cher, true religion jeans, true religion jeans, ralph lauren pas cher, abercrombie and fitch, ray ban uk, nike blazer, converse pas cher, hollister, true religion outlet, michael kors, sac guess, sac longchamp, lululemon, air max, lacoste pas cher, michael kors, nike roshe run, hollister pas cher, north face, nike free run uk, longchamp pas cher, nike air max, air force, tn pas cher, oakley pas cher, hogan, mulberry, nike air max, north face, nike air max, nike free, air jordan pas cher, michael kors, burberry

ninest123 Ninest said...

p90x workout, nike huarache, baseball bats, giuseppe zanotti, jimmy choo shoes, beats by dre, instyler, iphone 6 cases, mac cosmetics, nike roshe, vans shoes, valentino shoes, ghd, nfl jerseys, hollister, ferragamo shoes, oakley, celine handbags, longchamp, wedding dresses, nike trainers, nike air max, reebok shoes, nike roshe, asics running shoes, mont blanc, north face outlet, mcm handbags, birkin bag, bottega veneta, soccer shoes, insanity workout, timberland boots, babyliss, chi flat iron, herve leger, abercrombie and fitch, hollister, north face outlet, soccer jerseys, new balance, lululemon

ninest123 Ninest said...

ray ban, pandora charms, ugg boots, pandora charms, nike air max, swarovski, juicy couture outlet, links of london, coach outlet, pandora jewelry, karen millen, thomas sabo, ugg pas cher, ugg boots uk, montre pas cher, vans, hollister, lancel, ralph lauren, ugg,ugg australia,ugg italia, ugg boots, bottes ugg, ugg,uggs,uggs canada, ugg boots, marc jacobs, toms shoes, supra shoes, converse outlet, louboutin, uggs on sale, hollister, wedding dresses, ugg boots, gucci, juicy couture outlet, swarovski crystal, converse, replica watches
ninest123 07.24

Post a Comment