Thursday, March 13, 2008

A few more of my favourite things


Right, I think it's high time I rattled off a few more items for my occasional series about things that I like. Another anti-rant is long due. I actually quite like doing this because it's more difficult to write about things that you like. Well it is when you're me anyway.
Anyway, I feel very chipper and dandy today. And if I could think of another positive emotion that sounds like a children's comic book, I'd probably be feeling that as well. But Chipper and Dandy will have to do for now, because if I said I was feeling Judy you'd all be worried.

Barcelona
Hear this, people. Barcelona is the absolute shit. And I mean the absolute shit. I reserve my highest, no wait, my highest praise for this city and everything in it.
I spent a week there with Miaow Cow two summers ago and I'd go back every year if I could. I was never so happy in all my life as I was then, gambolling along the buzzing, burning Ramblas every day and chugging down quantities of tapas and beer. I ate like a horse and drank like a fish for the entire week, and it was a damn awkward dual impression to carry off at a dinner table I can tell you. I think I put on about two stone. There was definitely a bigger arce in Barcelona by the Friday, put it that way. In fact the only downside was returning to Dublin and having the local shortcomings in even sharper focus than usual.

It's all there in this place though. The crazy, curvy, mental Gaudi architecture everywhere (that man was tripping, seriously), the fantastic food, the superb transport system, the history, the endless amounts of things to see and do, the weather, the Nou Camp and of course La Sagrada Familia that just blows my socks off every time I think about it. I scarcely have a pair left by now so I'm switching to suspenders. Hang on, basque and suspenders anyone? Sorry.
So yeah, Barcelona, it's alright so it is. Just get on a plane and go. No! Hang on, read the rest of the post first, and then go.

The gym
It's the best natural high there is. Just get in there, run the blue screaming bejesus out of yourself and head off home with the endorphins chasing each other around your happily knackered body like kids at a wedding reception. Brilliant.
Scobies simply wouldn't need drugs if they'd just go the gym more. Or if they'd go at all. It'd be a fair old reversal of trends to see them loitering in doorways trying to score a gym pass so they can get in there and crank out a couple of squats to keep the buzz going and stave off the DTs.
As in: "Stor-eeeeee bud I fuggin' need to gerrus to the fuggin gym for a fuggin spin class aller dis fuggin lactic acid has me itchin' for a burn. Girrus a fuggin protein shake will yeh Charlo I can't be atin' dem fuggin kerbs all the toime."
And stuff.

Cars
I'm a total gobshite when it comes to cars. I borrow more money than I should to buy cars that I shouldn't, and I'd borrow more still if I could and it constantly annoys me to realise that I can't. I'm very pragmatic and sensible in almost every other way, but cars are my ultimate folly. I have my current wheels for about a year and a half and already I'm browsing car websites, dreamily pondering where and how I'll do my next splurging of a ridiculous wedge of money I don't have. I'm falling for racy Alfa diesels if you're wondering. Despite knowing the horror stories about Alfas. See? I'm insane.
Between repayments, fuel, tax, insurance, repairs and so on, when you think about it, owning a car is one of the stupidest and least cost-effective things a person can ever do. It'd make more sense to set up a business for training blocks of cheese to herd eels.
I can't believe I've been blogging this long without mentioning all this actually. Oh well, I'm out of the closet now. Or garage, whatever.

Badgers
The humble badger gets a fierce bad rap for TB, and for smelling bad, but I'm here to say that I think they're alright and we should leave them alone. I've never spoken to one or had a pint with any of them or anything, I just look at avuncular, bespectacled old badgers on childrens programmes and think, you know what, anyone dissing badgers wants a good kick in the hole, pun intended. Most of these people have never spent any time at all with badgers or their families, yet they're willing to denounce them as pests and torture them. For shame!
I'm going to give all my nieces a badger each next Christmas, and what's more, they'll bloody well like it.
And anyway, if TB and smelling bad were reasons for exterminating something, large parts of Dublin would have been levelled in the 1900s. And there'd have been uproar.
Badgers. You've always thought they were cute and wanted to cuddle one, admit it.

The girl on the floor below
There's a young wan that works for another company in our building and she has the most perfectly crafted bottom I've ever seen. I check out alot of booty in the course of an average day, usually the same ones three or four times, and her one, and the way it'd look at you, is unrivalled.
I see her outside when she's having a smoke break. She always has her bottom with her, she brings it everywhere. It's pert, chunky, nicely rounded and you get a good wigglesworth when she walks. You'd be finding excuses to follow her about if it wasn't for the barring order.
Sometimes though I get bizarre horror notions that maybe, underneath the tautened jeans she paints on every morning, she might actually be hiding a secret, disfigured bum. Like, what if despite the outward appearance of perfection, she was actually packing a big portwine stain on one cheek? Or a covering of soft downy hair all over her bum, or maybe even a tatoo of Groucho Marx or something? But sigh, the higher imagination is better than the cynical mind and always wins.
Her name? Round here, we speak of her only as Tremendarse.

29 moos and woofs:

Chanberry said...

Well Mr Mc Danger, thanks for your comment, I linked you because I find your blog to be most hilarious. I nearly wet myself reading your post about the shagging cats in your bedroom. Nice work.

Terence McDanger said...

**doffs his cap**

Paul Heron said...

McDanger there are times when I think your choice of picture which accompanies one of your fine posts is inappropriate in the extreme.
Case in point being this particular post, wouldn't a picture of the most perfectly crafted bottom from the girl on the floor below have not been far more appropriate ???

Terence McDanger said...

Pay attention Paul, it's the barring order!

Rosie said...

yeah. he's not allowed to talk to me anymore.

Paul Heron said...

McDanger, it's not Rosie is it ???

Terence McDanger said...

Nobody can ever know Tremendarse's true identity. Some say she is the Littlest Hobo of arses, always restless, perpetually on the road, driven and compelled to a life of bringing her bum to random people to cheer them up and help those in need. Then she just packs up her arse and hits the road again, leaving everyone to pine for her posterior and wonder just who this mysterious lady was.

But hey! It's obviously Rosie.

Ah well, here endeth the mystique. Nice one.

Thriftcriminal said...

With you on the cars, badgers, gym and excellent behinds. I have owned 2 alfas, first a 145 1.6 120bhp. I loved it. It was magnificent. I went on to buy a 156 IT WAS POO. Now I have a Seat Leon diesel, good, good, good.

Terence McDanger said...

Yep dem's the Alfas for ya, some great, some awful, although more modern ones ARE supposed to be better. Who can tell?

greenofeye said...

Your writing make me crease with laughter and spit tea over my screen on a regular basis.Genuis:)

greenofeye said...

Your writing make me crease with laughter and spit tea over my screen on a regular basis.Genuis:)

Terence McDanger said...

**doffs cap again**

It also makes you say things twice! (Although I expect that's blogger's comments thingummy acting the shite again).

nuttycow said...

Being very good friends with a Badger I can confirm that they are, in fact, smelly and riddled with TB but also quite sweet. And hairy.

Thriftcriminal said...

It's a love hate thing with them though. I know I will go Alfa again. I wont be able to help myself. Already I am getting wood at the prospect of the new compact Alfa.

My uncle has 3 classic Jags and drove to Le Mans in a classic Alfa, I am more jealous than is humanly possible to imagine.

Adam said...

I've never been to Barthelona so it will feature on the map at which I will throw darts to select a destination when I'm filthy rich. I'm also partial to a good looking bum . . on a bloke of course . . surfers have the best bums and don't mind showing you either! Badgers . . who gets TB these days? We all get innoculated against it . . I'm with you bring on the badger and bugger off the badger badgerers.
Cars . . leave me cold. Penis extensions or otherwise. I drive a 15 year old Honda accord and it gets me from here to there . . .figuratively speaking!

Agree with the other bloggers TMc, you're a funny fart when on form!

Baino said...

Um sorry . . Adam was me!

Kath Lockett said...

Went to Madrid in me backpackin and beer swillin' days, but not Barthelona. Will add to my 'When I win the lottery I'll....' list.

Agree re cars and arses. Never had much money for cars (or arses, come to think of it) and therefore end up with bombs that I love for sentimental reasonsn - '68 Fiat, '71 Renault 16TS, a 1973 Volvo, a 1991 Suzuki vitara and now a sensible suburban station wagon whilst coveting the new Subaru Impreza hatch.

Apparently I have a fine arse, so i've been told. Not sure I agree - it may be smallish and pert but sticks out so far that dwarves can shelter under it when it rains.

Terence McDanger said...

@nuttycow - I'm the same myself. I think it's why the affinity is there.

@thrift - You can't class yourself as a true car enthusiast unless you've had one Alfa. On this rationale shall I flounder...

@Baino/Adam/Kath - trust me, GO to Barcelona. If either of you ever meet a surfer dwarf, it might be interesting.

Susan said...

I've never been to Barcelona; Spain terrifies me for some reason. But CARS? Oh yes; my father spent his spare time and retirement restoring vintage cars, and a few of those would certainly top my list when the Lotto FINALLY comes through for us. (Round here, we call Lotto 'the pension plan') I'll buy you a few too, dear.

Wally Banners said...

Hehe nice pic. I was there 2 years ago am going back this summer to live in Italy. I was at a beach in Barcelona. some restaurant best butter i ever had and this wine they had was wow so sweet. Am stopping by to spend more time in the cathedral.

Lamia said...

Thanks for writing this.

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