Wednesday, April 23, 2008

I want to kill the Galway Girl

Every time I have to listen to this fucking song it makes my ears melt. My toes curl up like sweet wrappers in a fire and I lock myself in a dark wardrobe and hurl myself against the walls shouting 'La la la la la I can't hear you' until it goes away. This skippy-shitty-ditty is stealthily trying to take over the world and turn us all into some sort of gormless cider-loving yokels banging around on accordions and tin whistles.

It's all Bulmers fault. The cider company's latest ad, a typically gold-hued effort featuring utopian orchards, summery tones and a bit o' the ould dancin' and a-flirtin' between avuncular apple-pickers and gamey cailíns, uses this on its soundtrack. And now you can't turn on the TV without hearing it, or the radio either because it's having the arse thoroughly worn out of its welcome there as well.

Will you fuck off to hell with your fucking Galway Girl!

It's driving me bonkers. I'm thinking about getting a cat just so I'll have something to kick when it comes on.

I don't even know what the song is about, all I can gather is that some country singer with a really apalling twang - Steve Earle - found himself in Galway some time or other, and managed to find a local looker drunk enough to get past the sheer awfulness of his accent and hop into bed with him. She may well have gagged him, and he may well have liked it. Anyway, when he wakes up, she's obviously seen sense and bolted for the hills, leaving him all wistful and unfortunately, moved to write a song about his one night stand. Oh yes, her hair might have been black and her eyes blue Steve, but it'd be nothing compared to the seven shades of shite I'd kick out of you if I ever clapped eyes on you. And I wouldn't just batter you once Steve, no, I'd do it all day-i-ay-i-ay.

Thankfully, experience tells me that Bulmers will launch a new ad soon and the song will change. Their marketing is very clever in that every new campaign tells us that cider is for life, not just for summer, because in winter you can drink it with plentiful ice and look forward to spring that's just around the corner, and when spring arrives you can see the apples starting to grow and look forward to summer, when summer arrives it's like cha-ching folks it's summer out there get some cider down ye, and then autumn is all burnished reds, yellows and golds, so ergo, get some more cider down ye folks. Brilliant stuff.

But Galway girl is a step too far. They've crossed the line from mildly annoying into downright nauseating. I'd damn well drop my pants and piss in their vats if I thought anyone would notice.

Four things I feel like doing when Galway Girl comes on:

1. Taking up a position as the head cleaner of Jabba the Hutt's spitoon

2. Putting on my double-album of Country and Western covers, sung by Professor Stephen Hawking

3. Stripping naked and covering myself in jam and jelly, before agitating a wasps nest with a big stick and a petrol bomb.

4. Re-enact the famous Oliver Reed/Alan Bates Greco-Roman wrestling scene from Women in Love, where I'd take on a Speedos-clad Willie O'Dea in a fight to the death, for the right to face Mary Harney in the final.

Now, is everyone clear about my feelings on this matter?

25 moos and woofs:

Chanberry said...

"I'd damn well drop my pants and piss in their vats if I thought anyone would notice."

It might just be an improvement...then they could market it with a 'new secret ingredient that makes it taste EVEN better in winter, spring, summer, autumn etc, etc...'

And we'd all know it was your piss that caused it.

I don't tend to blame Bulmers for Galway Girl as much as that little shit Mundy though. It's all his fault. Everything's Mundy's fault.

Thriftcriminal said...

Bah, bulmers. It might hail from my county, but it's piss. Then again I started out life in Somerset. Proper stuff there. But these days I like a nice spot of Normandy cidre, preferably with some smelly cheese.

Terence McDanger said...

The famous ass-crack cheese from France, thrift? I've smelled it and it's true. The cheese that is, as opposed to someone's ass crack.

Mundy indeed chanberry. That's the little hobbit-like person I've seen banging this out on the Late Late. Him and the Nana Miskouri of the accordion, Sharon Shannon. Pah!

Baino said...

Hilarious . . I actually know someone with an accent like that, fancies himself as a poet and the elysian dream of Ireland being full of black haired, blue eyed beauties and diddly diddly music!

Of course, I clicked the link . . bloody awful! Your anger is warranted.

Adullamite said...

It's funny but since reinstalling XP I cannot get the sound to work on this PC. It really annoys me and gets me down. However I understand where you are coming from without hearing the song. Not only do such songs annoy they play them repeatedly and then someone besides you tells you how much they enjoy the thing!
Anthrax is good in those situations.

Terence McDanger said...

@ Baino, you'll find that ska-diddley -idle-dee is the correct term.

@ Adullamite, remember last time when you clicked a link here and got brought to Renne and Renata singing Save Your Love? Yes? Then thank God for XP!

emordino said...

The emphasis he puts on "hheART" could put someone's eye out.

Terence McDanger said...

Personally, the bit where he sings "Awwww" at the part where he goes "Awwwww ah lost my hrt to a Galway girrrrul", that's what pushes me over the edge.

The fucker.

Bock the Robber said...

You're right about everything except Steve Earle, who's fuckin great.

Jennynib said...

Read your blog at gunpoint on the advice of Emglishmuminireland.

Myself and my 13 year old have spent a nice while laughing until soilingpoint, thanks!

"Speedos-clad Willie O'Dea" did it for him - I'm very worried.

Jennynib

Terence McDanger said...

Jesus, that Englishmum wan is mighty, she has me on blog of the week for two weeks and now she has me getting down and funky with the yoof!

Mighty I say!

Welcome jenny.

he1ena said...

Oh my god, that's too funny! Hi by the way! I found your blog on blog explosion. So I moved to Ireland 3 months ago, and I've had that song in my head NON STOP! I'm from the US, and when I start singing it out loud without realizing it, I'm mimicking the irish accent and I just sound pathetic! But I can't get the freaking song out of my head!!!! Ever!!! I'm SO with you on this one!!!!

-Helena

he1ena said...

Oh my god, that's too funny! Hi by the way! I found your blog on blog explosion. So I moved to Ireland 3 months ago, and I've had that song in my head NON STOP! I'm from the US, and when I start singing it out loud without realizing it, I'm mimicking the irish accent and I just sound pathetic! But I can't get the freaking song out of my head!!!! Ever!!! I'm SO with you on this one!!!!

-Helena

Terence McDanger said...

Hey, so good you said it twice. Thanks for calling!

Anonymous said...

Hello Terence
Your my new hero well for the night at least, I equally hate this song and posted up a thread about it, I decided to look for an image and came across your blog.
And guess what the Bulmers ad came on in work-the bastids.
Anywho I'd be delighted if you posted a comment on our thread particularyly agianst Gazsh who likes the song-fell on his head as a child obviously.

http://www.ybig.ie/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=3889

Regards
Bob Hoskins

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