Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Herpes, by stealth*

Bet that got you interested, you filthy animals.

But no, I'm not sitting here tearing furiously my netherlands or anything, I'm talking about the facial variety.

I'm not happy. And who would, says you, be happy about having a stingy, crusty eyesore hanging off their lip. Stingy crusty eyesores are usually just hippies from Cavan and no threat to anyone's aesthetic but their own, but not in this case. (If you're wondering, what preceded there was a play on the word stingy. I'll move on now).

Anyway, time was when cold sores were decent and used to give you a bit of warning that they were on the way. You know, the unmistakable 'tingle' on your lip that announced the impending birth of the seeping, itchy callous that makes you a social pariah for about ten days. I'm sure there was a line in that song 'Rhythm of Life' about it.

Anyway, somewhere along the line, cold sores, known on Sundays as Herpes Simplex Virus Type 1 or 2 or something, lost all sense of etiquette and propriety. And just started appearing on my face without so much as a doff of their cap or a by or leave from anyone. No tingle. No itch. No warning. The fuckers. It's like a child entering another teacher's classroom without knocking. Heresy. Go back out and knock before entering I say.

I'm mostly pissed off about this because I had an outbreak last night at about 8.19pm on my way to get the train to meet Radge in town for pints, as arranged over comments on the previous post. 8.19pm is a bad time for cold sore arrival (visitors always arrive at inconvenient times, don't they? I don't actually know this for sure, but my Mammy always says it) because there's nowhere open to get cream for it and you start to worry that you're not going to get it treated in time and so will spend a week looking like a grotesque fat-lipped bag of associational-sexual infestation.

Thankfully, when I got to the pub I tumbled on the revolutionary idea of visiting the late night pharmacy on O'Connell Street and taxi'd my way there and back in about ten minutes flat. I got those Compeed patches and thankfully, all is well and they seem to be working.

Although when the patches get over moist, fall off and start floating in your pint of Guinness, it is a little disconcerting.

Anyway, I just felt compelled to share all this with you for some reason, I have to get back to work now. I must come back soon and tell you all about my wisdom tooth though, I'd say you can hardly wait.

I also remembered midway through last night's pints that I need to tell you all about the most hilarious lapdance in history (Liverpool, April, the stag), and later on, I was reminded to post about the ants in my office, and later still, some pure comedy gold dropped in my lap when I was serenaded all the way home by a taxi driver who was also an actor and singer-songwriter looking for someone to roadtest his latest ballad on.

I really should go for pints more often.

*I hope this reads ok, I haven't time to check over it. Radge?

23 moos and woofs:

Lottie said...

My theory is that the little buggers got wise. Along came Zovirax and other prevention creams claiming to kill the infection at the first sign of tingle. Then the crusty little blighter's said " well we can find a way around that" and they stopped tin gelling and now just appear.

Thankfully I don't suffer myself.I am Herpes free!!!!!

Terence McDanger said...

Yeah. They're mutating, the little fuckers. As if cold sores weren't horrible as they were, now they have to go and turn into mutants.

You're a new face round here, you're very welcome. Especially because of your sterling hygiene standards, you'll fit right in with all the other disinfected. Or is that disaffected. Ah whatever.

Baino said...

Don't you love the timing . . you've had your weekly bath, all dressed up, somewhere to go, the ladies are waiting and you're up for it - all that then bang! Mind you the patches sound uglier than the festering barnacle. Don't get 'em myself but DrummerBoy seems to explode right before a big night!

Terence McDanger said...

Er I think drummer boy might appreciate a bit of rephrasing of that last line there Baino, ahem...

Now, I'm off to your banter to find out what a smik agency is. Woo hoo!

Kath Lockett said...

Herpes for you, volcanic zit on my neck for me and I'm turnin' frickin' FORTY this year.... And have discovered that Clearasil still stinks as bad as it did in 1983....

Paul Heron said...

Most hilarious lapdance in history ?
This could be fun :-)

Terence McDanger said...

Paul I only hope I can do justice to what was undoubtedly the most excruciating I want-to-laugh-but-I-can't-cos'-I'shouldn't moment of my whole life.

More anon.

Kath, I tried Clearasil once. It gave me spots.

Susan said...

A Liverpool lapdance, office ants, and a serenading taxi driver?...you're on your way to a Booker Prize, m'friend.

Well......


WELL?

kiki said...

cold sores have become like rabbits (see: myxomatosis) and are now immune...

i read a report somewhere in london in Feb that some Doctor reckons by the year 2020, 80% of the adult population will have genital herpes.

Lottie said...

@Kiki - at least 2019 sounds like it's gonna be a fun year. ;)

Terence McDanger said...

Be patient Susan, ironically, all will be revealed.

kiki, 80%????? There's quite enough people in the world already that I can't sleep with. i.e. good looking people. Jazes.

Don't wait till 2019 is my advice lottie, avoid the rush and start early.

Kelly said...

By chance, I found your blog. By chance, I was researching essential oils and found that essential oil of Sweet Melissa (Melissa Officianalis, I believe) applied directly to a sore, Herpes Simplex 1 or 2, will eliminate the Herpes for good. Sorry, I don't have the link (I am at work) but Google essential oil herpes melissa and you should find some information. Hope it helps!

supershadow said...

please encourage the irish to vote yes in the new lisbon refernedum for their country in spring
this will allow the jedi peace to spread throughout europe
please listen to your minister gormley
he is a practising member of the church of jedi
please encourage your irish blogging friends to vote yes or else they will be the cubans of europe
may the force be with you

Radge said...

It read fine by the way. Your English is really coming along.

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