Monday, June 16, 2008

The secret to blogging success...*

...is...

Stop posting.

Seriously, I've just twigged that I've ascended dizzily all the way up to four in the Irish blog listhingummys despite not having had a flirty with my qwerty in weeks. Either it's broke or I'm much more popular when I'm not actually here. I quite suspect that as soon as my back is turned you all come out from under the bed like the toys offof** Toy Story and start partying and snorting cocaine out of each others' underpants and other such hedonistic carry on.

It's an interesting development though, less really is more. As in less me = more you. I'd look at my overall visitor figure for verification of this only it's been that long since I checked in with the relevant technology there I actually forget how to. Probably just as well though, because I now realise that the less I look at it the more it will grow. (Still talking about the visitor figure there by the way, ah-hup).

So anyhoo, I'm off to the pub at the first available opportunity to try my level best to get women not to sleep with me in what is really a cunning ploy to get women to sleep with me. I think I'll just approach a few with a contemptuous sneer and say "Here, you. Yeah you. Not a chance in hell of you getting me knickers so there's not. So jog on love. Next."

I swear, if any bird so much as looks at me I'll clasp my hands to my groin in a vice-like grip of terror and bolt for the door screaming "Rape! Rape!"

I think I'll follow up on my night of passionate non-sex by ringing a few publishers to boot - just to tell them all to pre-emptively fuck off, they're not getting first dibs on that bodice-ripping period sex drama Mills and Boons for the 21st century novel of mine. The one that I wasn't writing in the first place. Obviously.

So, all that remains to say now is to tell anyone reading this to go and piss off somewhere and never come back, you're not wanted here, you smell faintly of cabbage and I'd rather just write this stuff for myself without wankers posting comments and other such annoying shit.

It's like something Homer would say. "And the lesson here is, never try."

I'll be back in August.

*Shorter posts, coming to you since June 2008, when work got very busy.
**Offof is my new makey-up word, I tried it out in the last post and I like it.

21 moos and woofs:

kiki said...

Offof is heavily used in North America.

it's on every tv show, movie and terrible song that comes out of there.

so you didn't really make it up

Kath Lockett said...

Offof is also something that Aussie kids like to say: "And then he jumped offof the bridge before realising that being drunk doesn't make you able to fly...."

I might have contributed to your visitor numbers because each day - when I should be studying - I visited my favourite book-marked blogs; of which yours is one.

Does your re-hitting the pubs for non-sex mean that you're now offof the taken scene and back on the market?

Kath Lockett said...

Oh and another thing - I'd like to tell a few publishers to fuck off in advance as well, if it'd help things....

Adullamite said...

I'm not missing yopu already!

Chanberry said...

'Here, you. Yeah you. Not a chance in hell of you getting me knickers so there's not. So jog on love. Next.'

Strangely endearing. You'll get more women this way, really, not less.

Terence McDanger said...

kiki I'd never seen offof written anywhere before though. I'm validated but disappointed. Sigh, I'll just have to make up a new one.

Yes Kath I am now not seeking women because I am back on the meerkat, as an interesting typo might have it. (That's why I disappeared for a few months there to lick my wounds.)

Good man Adullamite, and Chanberry, I read what you wrote about your dog so I'm not sure if I consider you Doctor Lurrrrrve just yet...

Chanberry said...

Chanberry, I read what you wrote about your dog so I'm not sure if I consider you Doctor Lurrrrrve just yet...

Oh dear. You're right. Perhaps that's why I found your slur endearing. I've gone wrong, haven't I?

Terence McDanger said...

I can drool like a Saint Bernard as well. If I get it just right it looks like I've a running shoe in my mouth with the laces hanging out either side.

I know ALL the best tricks. Oh yes.

Baino said...

Tell the ladies that you are planning a long overseas trip and will only be around for three months . . .trust me it works!

Absence makes the heart grow fonder . . .or is that out of sight, out of mind!

kiki said...

true, i don't think it's written too many places; but it's said a lot (and it pisses me off)

Radge said...

Terence, fuck offof.

(This is levelled at you purely for your inertia in luring me to the pub. I'm unemployed. Loads of time to drink. LOVE MEEEEE!!!)

Terence McDanger said...

I'm marooned. I'm planning a life raft expedition into the city next week though. You have been warned.

Radge said...

It is agreed.

Susan said...

Ah, silly old moo-dog.

I've missed you.

(See I dun bin away in Wess Virginny...the American Cavan.)

You and I seem to have had a Hell (literally) of a spring.

:-(

Don't stay away 'til August.

Terence McDanger said...

Jasus, it's Susan! It's been so long since I got cheesed off with 'script frenzy dead ahead', I even took you off the blogroll.

Are you making a dramatic return?

Susan said...

What, you DIDN'T write a script for Script Frenzy? I did, but it's only ten minutes long and stars garden gnomes (they keep me on budget).

Dramatic return...hmmm...what do you suggest? I'm up for a bit of silliness or something goofy, if you've got a good idea for it and it doesn't involve going starkers at Blarney Castle. Pick up the Cavan Post this week when the new one comes out, might give you an idea. (not braggin' or nuthin'..)

Meanwhile I'm dropping crap all over a new blog to replace the 41 blogs I was NOT keeping up with before. You're ON MY BLOGROLL there *sniff*

And next time you visit the home county, stop in for a pint or many. I'm buying.

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