Thursday, October 30, 2008

My time of the month

I have an aversion to politics. Irish politics in particular, but, as an equal opportunities curmudgeon, I throw my arms around the world and extend my grumpy apathy across all borders.

I’m alluding in particular to the forthcoming election in the USA and all the Decision Time den den dehhhhhhh palaver that goes with it. Now I understand that in global terms the Yanks are a big cheese, so we should throw more than a casual eye across what they’re getting up to. In the case of Dubya, it almost behoves us to do so because in Blue Peter terms, he routinely does a lot of things where someone really should be on hand to intone that “you might need an adult to help with this part”.

Anyway, even someone like me with zero interest in governmental chicanery etc. can tell he’s a simpering loon and the staggering folly of his re-election totally killed off the nascent interest in global politics that I never actually had in the first place. To quote the great one himself, it’s a case of vote for me once, shame on you, vote for me twice, well, um….

So here I am steadfastly trying to block out the whole charade but even someone as schooled in the arts of avoidance as me (namely, avoidance of dirty dishes, programmes with Russell Brand in them and doting parents with crusty-faced children who think it’d be lovely to have them give you a wee kiss) can’t quite blank it out. It’s everywhere. Even though you turn off/turn over every TV and radio that mentions it, some details still filter down and worm in through the tiny hairline cracks my consciousness leaves open for storing random useless facts. (Such as, in the film Scarface, the word ‘fuck’ is said on average 1.22 times per minute).

This insidious subliminal seepage is, in fact, political propaganda via a cunning form of osmosis. Just have a look at all this mad stuff I know about the US election without ever wanting to know any of it. By the way, any similarity between this and what’s actually happening, is entirely accidental:

Right, let’s start with Sarah Palin. Now she was a running mate selection “right out of left field.” To most Irish people, this means she came out of the rhubarb patch, as opposed to the right field where we keep the cows, but apparently, she was something of a surprise. Like holy cow, where did she come from? Well, from a left field in Alaska, I'll wager.
Beyond there, all I know is that her daughter (harlot! **spits**) is pregnant but – phew! – intends to marry to wash away her iniquity, she has a pet pit-bull that wears lipstick (bizarre to say the least), sacked her sister for not sacking her brother-in-law, has some policies that are, guess what, “right out of left field”, and yes, I definitely would given half a chance.

John McCain’s campaign, meanwhile seems to have stolen the logo for McCain’s oven chips but it’s unlikely the poor divil ever cooks them in an overhead oven because he spent ages strung up as a POW in Vietnam and now can’t raise his arms beyond a certain point. Other tasks now beyond John include Mexican waving, although I doubt it’d form an integral part of his diplomatic relations with the South Americans, along with traffic signalling and effective stretching and yawning in the mornings, after a good night’s sleep after a hard day’s work running the USA.
He’s also a bit older than you might expect. Some say he’s 167 years old. Some say he's a hobbit. Who can tell?

Barack Obama, with a name like his, just has to have Irish ancestry in there somewhere and indeed and he does so he does to be sure. “Sure amn’t I made of the black stuff?” he is often heard to remark at Feiseanna Ceoil, with a gamey twinkle in his eye.
I can never quite remember which party he actually belongs to, he’s either with the Autocrats, the Diplomats, the Rubicons, the Lexicons or the Laundromats, but party affiliations are not what’s important here. His ability to clinch votes in the vital swinger states, where sexual infidelity is prized above all else, will be what decides this election. Somebody called him a terrorist as well I think, but they may have been confusing him with Bush. In fact, maybe it was Bush himself, being confused. By himself.

Barack has a running mate too but he’s so anonymous that not even weeks of blanket coverage on SKY news can make me remember his name or anything about him. Oh hang on, it’s Joe Ninety or something isn’t it?

Ach, the sooner it's all over the better.

18 moos and woofs:

Baino said...

You're right McDanger, avoidance is impossible. They're even televising the event here on three free to air channels? Why? I know not. Does she really put lipstic on her pit bull . .that's weird . . .oh sorry, it's America we're talking about. Apparently there's a 1:6 statistical chance that if elected, McCain will cark it in his first term of office . . .then we'll have THAT woman for president. Oh yummy mummy wouldn't that be fun!

English Mum said...

I'm with you, Mr McD. I have zero interest in American politics. I'd rather bake a cake. Or several. And then eat them all. But that's just me.

Radge said...

His running mate is Joe Biden, he's a man of keen intellect who will provide a sensible and sober counterpoint to oh I really don't give a fuck either.

Kath Lockett said...

Hear hear. Actually, if there really *was* a pig wearing lipstick I guarantee it would get more lazy arse Yanks out of their trailer parks to vote.

And DON"T get me started on Halloween...!

Terence McDanger said...

Baino, I was kidding about the lipstick. I can understand why you'd believe it though.

EM, bake one for me while you're at it. One question though, why aren't your kids hideously fat?

Radge, you're right, Biden it is. If I hear a 'Biden his time' pun anytime soon, I'll combust on the spot.

Kath, that's what blanket coverage of an election does...makes me forget to rant on about hallow-een and the scobes. Sigh, it's an ill wind.

hope said...

Ah, politics and stereotypes roam the world, hand in hand, doing nothing for mankind. As an American who's fed up with 2 YEARS of this campaign nonsense, I'm truly more interested in what type of cake English Mum is baking. :)

The optimist in me tries to focus on the fact there's only 2 months left with His Disgrace, George the Shrub, mangling the English language and finding new evils to stick on his axis. The man truly needs his own planet. At least we won't need an interpreter for whomever wins, much to the dismay of all our comedians, who fear they will now be out of work.

I'm sorry the world is being punished with never ending election coverage. But please, have mercy. I've been punished enough [she began politely with a grin] without being referred to as a "Yank". As an American born in the South, that's one stereotype I can do without. :)

Terence McDanger said...

Apologies. I've managed to offend you on your first visit which, even for me, is some sort of record.

I think over here, all Americans are 'yanks.' We seldom make any distinction, but I see your point, so off you go in the General Lee there with Bo and Luke!

And yes, I think we'd all rather be having a nibble on whatever English Mum is cooking, and there's no double entendre intended there at all.

hope said...

No, you haven't offended me. How can you get angry with a guy who has dogs and cows with their own language? :) I live in the country in a 125 year old farm house with 2 chocolate labs who believe the hubby and I are chefs and chaufers.

I can't recall how Americans got stuck with "Yank"...maybe it was George M. Cohen's "Yankee Doodle Dandy". And I'm guilty of my own stereotyping, even though I fight it. The local joke is "What's the difference between a Yankee and a damned Yankee? A Yankee comes for a visit but a damned Yankee never leaves." :)

I'll be back. See, in a sign of good faith I have joined your followers.

Now, write on. Or go help English Mum in the kitchen....this is making me hungry.

Terence McDanger said...

**arches fingers and narrows eyes**

My followers grow in number all the time. Mwahahahahhahah!!!!

**Strokes cat menacingly**

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