Wednesday, November 05, 2008

Can I have an autograph?

Wait till you hear this.

Apparently, there's a young lad in England who's prompting a few raised eyebrows after changing his name by deed poll to something rather odd. In a stark warning about the dangers posed to idiots by the internet, George Garratt (19) went online and paid a tenner to legally change his name to, ahem, wait for it, no seriously, this is something else, drumroll, here we go now:

Captain Fantastic Faster Than Superman Spiderman Batman Wolverine Hulk And The Flash Combined.

Yep, that's his new name. I'll pause here so you can go back and read it again and be staggered anew.

I'm serious. He's only gone and changed his name to Captain Fantastic Faster Than blah blah listen, I just can't bothering me hole typing it again. What a total looper. What's worse is that the little fucker hadn't even the decency to punctuate it, which offends me on both a grammatical and respiratory basis.

Upon further investigation, it seems the chap in question did it 'for a laugh' and wanted to be 'unique'. Why not call yourself Handlebars O'Frogspawn III or something then, instead of that long-winded tongue-twister? Even his grandmother has the huff now and isn't speaking to him, which is hardly surprising because stern admonishment of someone with a name like that shouldn't be attempted by anyone over 80 without an oxygen mask handy.

The mind boggles, honestly. He'll think better of it, I'm certain, when he has to fill in his social welfare application, because I'm assuming he'll never get a job with a name like that. McDonald's wouldn't have him because of the price of his name tag alone like. Or what about when he's leaning gauchely on the bar in some nightclub, running his fingers through his oily air and trying to engage girls with the immortal chat-up line: "Hi, I'm Captain Fantastic yadda yadda yadda." Not a chance. Like who wants to boast to a girl about being faster than all those guys anyway? Think about it dude, you're bollixed good and proper now alright.

Anyway, intrepid to the last, I unearthed some other gems, beyond the old chestnuts like Marathon becoming Snickers and Brekkies becoming Munchies back in the 80s. How about the epic Rhoshandiatellyneshiaunneveshenk Koyaanisquatsiuth Williams, an unfortunate mouthful of a girl from Texas who has possibly broken every spellchecker she has ever entered. She wins out in the longevity stakes alright but for sheer daftness, I like 'Talula Does The Hula From Hawaii', a Kiwi girl who was made a ward of court so she could change her name, hopefully to something decent and solid like Muriel.
And staying in New Zealand, a couple were banned from calling their child '4Real', so, suitably chastened, they played safe and called it 'Superman' instead.

So that’s alright then.

PS: I've spoken about this sort of thing before you know.

22 moos and woofs:

Susan said...

I am STILL getting hits from people searching for Talullah Does the Hula from Hawaii, the poor dear. Maybe Superman will grow up to rescue her from all her cyber-stalkers.

As to Captain Fantastic, good point you've got about speed and girls...oh no! But he did get himself on the television, so who knows what happens now.

Kath Lockett said...

Well Jemaine (the darker taller half of Flight of the Conchords) just named his first born son Sophocles. Not as ridiculous perhaps, but pretty big shoes to fill!

Here in Australia, an Aussie rules footballer legally changed his name to the catfood brand 'Whiskas' for one week so that it was featured in the weekly footy magazine and gave them loads of advertising - and him loads of money presumably. Real name was/is Gary Hocking, who possesses a face like a busted sandshoe, so maybe Whiskas wasn't a real stretch.....

Thriftcriminal said...

Hmm, perhaps I could change mine from it's current state of unusualness to something more mundane. That'd rightly piss the ma off :-)

hope said...

What a weird week...tried to comment in a "timely" manner and it wouldn't allow it. Thought you were punishing me for being a sassy southerner. I suspect it was actually the work computer, noticing I wasn't working.

Hopefully "the Capt." will use his 15 minutes of fame to attract an attorney
to aid in changing that moniker to something which doesn't initiate hysterical
giggling. {Dang, that sentence is as long as the stupid name!}

And I thought the names of the kids I work with in the after school program
are strange! Several of these kids will one day hurt their Mamas for those odd names. Kamare [Kay ma ree] sounds lovely but for 2 weeks I feared I'd call her calamari. The worst yet is the most adorable little black
boy who told me his name, which sounds like Dar-Keys. His Mama, however had spelled it Darkies. Um, in the south, "darkies" is a racial slur for blacks. How could you do that to your own child?

Thanks for making me laugh...once I caught my breath from trying to pronounce
that name!

Baino said...

I've tried to leave a uselessly banal comment her for three fucking days! Now I've lost any comedic response other than try writing 'Bainbridge' on a teensy Mastercard slip! Lots of love:
Ophelia Cocks, Theresa Green, R. E. Alperson . . et al

Thrifty change your name and I'll be over there in a heartbeat to clip you over the ear and change it back. (Big as you are you're not too big for a smack) It's Mastercard Priceless!

hope said...

Thank you Baino for confirming that it wasn't just me with that problem. And I have NO idea why, when it did finally work, it chose to space the words so weirdly! I swear, I didn't type it that way.

Maybe it's a hint for me to remain silent for the day.

K8 said...

Great way to get out of writing cheques, though.

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