Thursday, January 29, 2009

Back in peak condition

I've just returned from the Osteopath.

It would seem that my fettle is fine and out to the fullest. My lower thoracic lumbar spinacticles, linear discography and radial hinge facets are all in rum order and my magnificent all-powerful spinal cord is hitting the right note. Status Quo have two they say, there may be three in Oasis.

I went through the full range of movements as he looked on. In other words, I twisted and dipped robotically and tried to touch my toes, and failed miserably, although the Osteo, Pat, hmmed appreciably at my efforts and was pleased. I think he be's listening out for a big cartoonish twonggggggggggg of something fundamental and spring-loaded snapping in me as I stretch. When I keep body and soul together, he can relax a little.

Your movements are fine anyway, he says.

Yeah, I dropped a big poo before coming in alright.

As in, I think about saying that, but I don't.

"Hop up there on the bench now and let's take a look at that lower back region," he says. "I think I'll do a few manipulations."
Ah yes. Manipulations. I always imagine that someday he'll pause and narrow his eyes or steeple his fingers before saying manipulations in pinched italics, and then twist a waxen moustache like an evil overlord. But nope, he always stays as good old Osteo Pat.

But yes, let's get to manipulatin'. I know what this means, this euphemism for harsh lower backcrackery crickitywhackery, and I take a deep breath and ready steady myself. I give my bones and muscles over to him then and he cradles me and drags my limbs into a big gangly human swastika. He starts kneading and hauling me beyond the limits of all internationally accepted yoga boundaries, and I fear every seam of me will fray and split like a nurse's knickers in a Carry On movie, before the beanbag fillings inside me spill hissing on the floor like grain from a sack.

He fidgets and drags me about the place for a bit. I grunt and try not to drool as I'm face down on his bench and trying to offer feedback regarding my sliding scale of pain. Then he hits a sore spot. I jolt. Feedback indeed.

"Oh," he says. "Seems like a trigger point. Better do some work here."

It's called a trigger point because every time he puts his finger on it it's like you're being shot. So, he shoots me through repeatedly and finally, he holsters up and tells me that's enough for today.

"You're doing well. I think we'll leave it six weeks before the next one," he says.

I think so, says I, wondering should I tell him about the stiff neck I forgot earlier.

19 moos and woofs:

Susan said...

Well, you've talked me out of going to an osteopath...good, one more thing off my list. I'm getting all sorts of things accomplished today.

How's the neck? Has it been sufficiently intimidated by all those goings-on to behave again?

Spudley said...

I used to see the osteopath for a little while. Does he cause scary cracking noises to your back and do little mini snaps of your neck like an inept Bond villain?? Scared the bejaysus out of me he did

hope said...

My husband hates that I can lie on the floor, turn my upper and lower torso in opposite directions and snap my own back. I tell him I'm just a self adjusting model.

You know, you allow your mind to fall in the gutter and your neck will get worse. ;)

Hope all's safely back in place. Personally I think your neck ache is from spinning your head in numerous directions while searching for your wandering car. :)

Radge said...

Spudley - Come on. Give us a blog.

Terence - Ouch.

Kath Lockett said...

Bloody hell, that's put me off those non-medical back-crackers for life, mate.

Oh and 'big gangly human swastika' - best description ever.

Baino said...

Outdone yourself with the imagery there Terence. Not for me all that slap back and crack. I have a chiro who does deep muscle therapy. Nice massage before hand and a 'oooh ahhh' for half an hour. He has to slide me off the bench and haul me through the door to get rid of me! Apparently it's genetically difficult for men to touch their toes. Although why you'd want to do that escapes me.

RedLeeroy said...

Do you expect me to talk?

No Mr McDanger, I expect you to die.

Terence McDanger said...

Susan, he's alot more gentle than the chirorpactor, and as a bonus, actually seems to know what he's doing. Chiros = quacks, IMHO. And the neck? It can stay sore. He's not getting anywhere near it.

Spudley, there's times that he races up and down my spine pulling and poking all sorts of levers with such dexterity that I sound like the rhythm section of a cuban band.

Jesus hope, I'd no idea you were a gymnast. Are you sure your husband really is against how limber you are though????

Radge. Agreed. Twice.

Kath - thanks. Play safe with the back always. Don't toss any cabers or do anything silly like trying to lift an elephant out of quicksand without at least bending your knees first.

What can I say Baino, I'm of a lyrical and wistful bent this weather. Er, hope your chiro has more of a clue than the money-grabbing wench I was going to!

Leeroy. That's very good indeed. I'd say next time I visit he'll strap me to the bench and play laser based chicken with my nutsac alright. The hoor.

kiki said...

forget water-boarding, is this the future to foreign relations?

K8 the Gr8 said...

backcrackery crickitywhackery

That's the best use of the English language I think I've ever seen.

Terence McDanger said...

Kiki, that one has me scratching my head I have to say.

K8, I get all these nonsense syllables from my Dad. He reckons he's from a town called Ballyslapadasho'muggery. Hmmmm.

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