Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Dumb luck

My mother always thinks of us McDangers as an unlucky family. As in, we never seem to win competitions in newspapers, the local grocer's Christmas draw, bingo, the Lotto etc.

It all changed utterly with the epic quiz triumph of a few months ago of course. Or did it? Well, judge for yourself.

On a recent trip to the gym, I parked the car right up against the wall, facing out. I went inside and toiled asthmatically for an hour and a half, then powerhosed myself hygienic and headed for home. Outside, I walked along looking forward to a humungous carvery refuelling, but there was a slight problem in the car park, however.

As in, the car. Or, no car, to be precise. The park end of the old car park bargain was being held up just fine, because it was still there, but the car end was sadly lacking, because my car wasn't. As in, car gone. Not where I left it. Dude, where’s my car?

I fretted skittishly. “Oh Jesus the car…robbed…Jesus, Jesus…fuck it…me good sat nav…shite…”

I stood there, frozen in panic with hand to mouth and mouth agape, scoping the carpark like a meercat.

Relief washed over me as I spotted it, quite a distance opposite where I thought it should be. What the fuck? How did it get there?

I strolled over scolding myself for forgetting where I’d parked. Or for thinking I’d parked somewhere else entirely when I clearly hadn’t, resulting in all this anxiety. This sort of thing isn’t unusual for me you see. My head is generally cluttered with random distractions, for instance, what it’d be like to have a competition for shooting oompah-loopahs like they were clay pigeons, so to overlook basic stuff like car placement is not unusual.

So I get to the car, hop in and I realise that the nose of it is uncomfortably close to the plastic bollard in front. Wha?

I get out and look at the front of the car. It’s resting against bollard alright, but no visible damage done to bumper.

Then I get back into the car, look down to my left and realise that the handbrake is off and the car is out of gear. My face puzzles itself up a wee bit.

So, I start doing the maths. I look in my rearview mirror and I see that for about 100m behind me, in a directly straight line, there’s an incidental corridor of empty parking spaces, just one car wide, all the way back to the wall where I thought I’d parked previously.

Where, um, I actually had parked previously. It would seem that after I’d neglected to put the handbrake on and abandoned ship, my car had rolled all of about 100m, dead straight through the only available gap in the parked vehicles, and had neither swiped the side or ran up the back of any of them.

I sat there blinking and ashen-faced, dumbfounded at finding out my dumbness, and realised that in sheer mathematical probability terms, I had just won the Lotto.

I’m a winner alright.

19 moos and woofs:

Radge said...

Where did I...


Did I not read that story here before? Or did you pub-tell it?

Terence McDanger said...

Oh pub told alright, just forgot to blog it.

Rosie said...

an old story?

i feel CHEATED!

RedLeeroy said...

is you car called herbie?

RedLeeroy said...

damn feeble fingers. Is your car called herbie?

Kev Brown said...

Where's your car dude? Or should I say where's your head at? lol.

Terence McDanger said...

The old ones are the best Rosie. And besides, it's not that old, in car years, which are less than dog years. Sigh. I don't know what I'm going on about either.

Leeroy, I refer to it henceforth and forever as "fucking blessed".

Kev, on the day in question, it was firmly implanted in my arse, obviously!

Terence McDanger said...

My head I mean!

Just before some smart alec...

Baino said...

Ha! Had a friend who did the same but wasn't so lucky, she cleaned up a row of about 25 trolleys and smashed into the front window of Coles. The toddler in the back thought it hilarious. I 'lose' my car all the time but usually cos I've got out on the wrong level of the car park.

Adullamite said...

I thought you had died?

Instead you were attempting to destroy car parks!
I love folks dumb stories. Its just like home for me.

hope said...

Guess you've got a Guardian Angel like mine...completely exhausted from keeping me out of harm's way. The story was new to me...fair enough.

Of course, try to explain that to the idiot driving behind you when you suddenly stop while driving to let the 4 deer cross the road instead of walking through your car. :)

Maxi Cane said...

I stood outside my car yesterday in the Pavilions carpark pushing the alarm button and then screaming at the car to open, only to realise that I was at the wrong car and the little old lady inside it was rather freaked out.

We're getting old.

Terence McDanger said...

Baino, that's precisely the nightmare scenario I was heaving sighs of relief for having avoided. I could have been looking down the barrel of a grand's worth of damage to other cars. Yikes.

Not a word about it Adullamite. Conventional weapons have tried and failed. I overcome and I endure.

Hope - somebody was looking out for me. I guess I get lucky when it really matters!

Maxi, I'd be wary of little old ladies. I was texting someone the other day - also Pavilions, it was probably the same one traumatised after your park rage - and I said fuck half under my breath when it wouldn't send, and she pucked me with her umbrella and gave me a look.
So I headbutted her and walked off.

Susan said...

Great story! I would've been torn: how could I tell of overcoming such odds, without admitting that I'd been so goofy as to leave the handbrake off the car? Good luck not doing that again.

What car are you driving btw, that your first thought was for the sat-nav in it? LOLOL

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