I was at work, but away from my desk all day today, assigned a project with a colleague well hidden from bossly eyes. It could only mean one thing.
Frippery.
I like a bit of shitehawkery myself of course, but this is the sort of guy who'd ask questions like: "If Margaret Thatcher had a double barrell shotgun right? and just two cartridges, right? and she was challenged to a fight to the death in the woods with an unarmed grizzly bear, who do you think would win?"
So today he goes, apropos of nothing as usual: "C'mere, who's the worst bird you've ever fancied?"
"What do you mean?"
"Like, I have a bit of a crush on Susan Sarandon. She's an OWL (Oul wan I'd like to, apparently, he came up with that one himself). And I wouldn't say no to Pink either, like I wouldn't be surprised if she actually had a cock or something but I'd say she's filthy in bed. I'd have taken a run at Steffi Graf too. Legs on her, Jasus.
"So who's the skeleton in the closet you'd like to bone huh huh?"
"Em...well...nobody really. No, wait. I remember when I was a kid I used to have a bit of a crush on Jessica Rabbit actually."
"Who?"
"Jessica Rabbit. From Who framed Roger Rabbit. She's, well...she's a cartoon."
Silence.
"With big boobs," I added hopefully, losing confidence somewhat.
"For fucks sake! A cartoon? Bwahhahahaha! You're some freak. Were you were mad after Olive Oyl as well? Jesus Christ!"
He rattled on for a while after that. He started slagging me off then about secret hankerings after Penelope Pitstop and Smurfette. I changed the subject as soon as I could. If it had kept going, I might have admitted that I had a crush on the bunny from the Cadbury's Caramel ads as well.
Was it love, back then, do you think? Sheer force of rabbit, I reckon.
Relief as Stolen Religious Artefact Recovered
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17 moos and woofs:
I always envied her and wanted to look like her when I grew up. She was a hottie. You're not a freak, you just like your women a bit colorful.
Margaret Thatcher.
Oh she was hot alright. The pair of...the size of her...the set of...ah fuck it, she had marvellous animations I guess.
G'man Radge.
Ya pithy shite ya:)
Did you ever see Gerry's girlfriend? (Tom and Gerry) She was cute.
Oh yeah, Jessie is a classic... giddy up .. and stefi as well... those loooooooong legs .... I would choose Cuddy from House, lisa Endstiene ish, whats-her-name ... Yeah Baby !
Your colleague is mental. Jessica Rabbit had me worried I was going 'the other way' there for a while. I mean, damn, you know. I never heard a word she said, looking at her.
No cartoon crushes for me - but guilty crushes did include Marti Pellow, C Thomas Howell (1980s versions) and Abba - all of 'em.
that Mona Lisa, jaysus, she's no oil painting but.........wait,No. Nancy Reagan.
Holemaster (love that name): I never laid eyes on Gerry's squeeze, no. I expect she was mousy looking though.
Moon, I'm loving your enthusiasm. I'd love to hear your views on the Cadbury Caramel bunny however.
Susan, if even women wanted to jump Jessica's bones as well, I am no longer feeling quite so silly now. And yes, my colleague is entirely mental.
Kath - Pellow has a fine voice on him but I don't appreciate him beyond there really. I have a lunatic auntie, the type that runs after me at weddings (still) looking for a dance and a kiss - and to this day she goes weak at the knees when she sees old Marti (with an 'i'. The shithead).
Red Leeroy, I am now officially more worried about you than myself. I bet you love the manly wan from the Golden Girls as well. Sicko!
OH just send him over to Maxi Cane for a doze of Cartoon Porn, that'll do his head in! Personally, I like my crushes in 3D although I fancy Grand Master Chief from Halo if only he'd take his helmut off!
Nah, your not alone with the Jessica Rabbit thing!
no no, I didn't like the manly one, but that Estelle Getty jaysus she was a handsome woman...............
Howdy there Moo-Dog!
Holemaster:
The girlfriend was Toodles, she's number 7 in my list.
If I had to pick a weird fanciable it would have to be the Ginger one from Girls Aloud.
You'd have to wouldn't you?
Bollox, I got confused, that was Tom's missus.
Still would though.
Firstly, I now realise the Margaret Thatcher vs. the bear was a rhetorical question. I was actually hoping for an answer.
I think the "worst bird you've ever fancied" is what you call a "borderline boiler", the "she's kind of ugly, and a bit fat, but I'd do'er anyways" type (nasty I know, but I learned about them from an old article in VIZ magazine, so blame the English).
Anyway, Jessica Rabbit was never borderline.. she was drop dead hot! And I always found Bugs Bunny strangely attractive when he was in drag trying to seduce Elmer Fudd.
Oh, and Lela from Futurama has a magnificent rack also.
Baino: less talk of helmuts please!
Kev: So I'm discovering. Everyone, it seems, wanted a piece of Jessica. Or two pieces to be precise.
Leeroy: Was the sluttish one that was always ridin'?
Maxi: Failte! (Cavan will take over the world).
Toodles eh? She sounds like baby slang for a big shite but I will investigate. And yes, at a push (arf), I'd be Tom to the Spice Girls Geri.
TMATP: There's definitely something about rabbits. Maybe it's their reputation for free love?
Now, Lois from Family Guy anyone?
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