A personal Top 10 of things that make me hate a movie:
1. Keanu Reeves is in it. He found his level way down there in Bill and Ted where he had to play a monosyllabic, dull idiot, and hasn’t moved on since. Jasus, the time I sat stiff jawed and grit of teeth all the way through the abomination that was A Walk in the Clouds, just to get off with some bird from college, and then discovered she had a boyfriend, well, it was just about the worst night of my life and I blame that wooden dummy Reeves ever since. Dopey mumbling fucker.
2. A woman stares out a window in a supposedly heart rending scene, and tearily tells someone that when she was young, she "used to dream of being be a princess". Cringe!!!! The ultimate movie cliché line. Will you go and have a good shite for yourself love? Thanks.
3. A parent sternly criticises a child for bad language when they've only said something lame like ‘darn’ or ‘shoot’ or ‘bloody hell.’
No film is ever on my wavelength unless the cusswords are right out of a dank back alley in Finglas. And if one of my kids, if I ever spawn, has a moment of frustration and vents it with something all twee and Enid Blyton, like ‘you absolute rotter!’ or ‘oh blast it!’, I'll immediately make them watch Scarface twice, before sending them to a school in the inner city where they can learn a fleshier and more manly lexicon. Even if they're girls.
4. It's on a channel where the volume automatically goes up by three on the richter scale when the ads come on. It's like the TV sneaks up behind you and pulls the pin on a rape alarm right beside your ear. Bastards. No fucking need for it whatsoever
5. The sex scenes are hetero but only involve the sight of male body parts. As in, no boobs. If you're going to do nudity in a film at all why deliberately forego boobs in favour of dribbly old willies instead? That’s a fundamental re-ordering of the universe right there. You can't be fucking about with the universe like. And nobody wants to see penises anyway, not even women.
6. There’s a montage scene showing the nerdy, bullied-by-the-school-jock type going from no-hoper to class leading exponent at judo, kickboxing, rollerblading or surfing. The montage usually starts with a few failed attempts where our hero feels like it’s all too much and wants to give up, but then our man is exhorted to keep trying in a very earnest, frowning and shoulder-grabbing way by his mentor. The mentor, by the way, is usually a washed-up former champion at the discipline in question, whose wife left him because he was always touring, and now he spends his time drinking and sitting in a puddle of his own urine, shouting obscenities at pot plants.
There will then follow a few shots of the hero, nearly but not quite getting it right, climaxing in the successful completion of a very complicated manoeuvre, a high-five and a big bear hug. All with something like ‘Boys of Summer’ by Glen Frey playing in the background. Bah. Get out of it.
7. It’s an Irish movie where the only positive reviews are from Irish reviewers. You always know it’s fairly likely to be a bit of a dog and quite often it is.
8. You can hear crickets in the night scenes. That’s just fucking stupid. Like duuuh! We can tell it’s night time because it’s all dark and shit.
9. There's an **hilarious** parody of the bullet-dodging, time-bending scene from The Matrix. It may have been amusing the first time, just, but now it's as funny as people wearing Fcuk tee-shirts and thinking that they too are edgy and with it.
10. I see something like this. When I saw it for the first time, I was torn between switching it off out of horror at how stupid it all was, or keeping it on because there was the possibility of some more unintentionally hilarious moments. Trust me, this is worth three minutes of your time. Tough guy turns introspective, under the expert and insightful hand of Steven Seagal. Who'd have thunk it?