Friday, January 16, 2009

Top 10 movie turnoffs

A personal Top 10 of things that make me hate a movie:

1. Keanu Reeves is in it. He found his level way down there in Bill and Ted where he had to play a monosyllabic, dull idiot, and hasn’t moved on since. Jasus, the time I sat stiff jawed and grit of teeth all the way through the abomination that was A Walk in the Clouds, just to get off with some bird from college, and then discovered she had a boyfriend, well, it was just about the worst night of my life and I blame that wooden dummy Reeves ever since. Dopey mumbling fucker.

2. A woman stares out a window in a supposedly heart rending scene, and tearily tells someone that when she was young, she "used to dream of being be a princess". Cringe!!!! The ultimate movie cliché line. Will you go and have a good shite for yourself love? Thanks.

A parent sternly criticises a child for bad language when they've only said something lame like ‘darn’ or ‘shoot’ or ‘bloody hell.’
No film is ever on my wavelength unless the cusswords are right out of a dank back alley in Finglas. And if one of my kids, if I ever spawn, has a moment of frustration and vents it with something all twee and Enid Blyton, like ‘you absolute rotter!’ or ‘oh blast it!’, I'll immediately make them watch Scarface twice, before sending them to a school in the inner city where they can learn a fleshier and more manly lexicon. Even if they're girls.

4. It's on a channel where the volume automatically goes up by three on the richter scale when the ads come on. It's like the TV sneaks up behind you and pulls the pin on a rape alarm right beside your ear. Bastards. No fucking need for it whatsoever

5. The sex scenes are hetero but only involve the sight of male body parts. As in, no boobs. If you're going to do nudity in a film at all why deliberately forego boobs in favour of dribbly old willies instead? That’s a fundamental re-ordering of the universe right there. You can't be fucking about with the universe like. And nobody wants to see penises anyway, not even women.

6. There’s a montage scene showing the nerdy, bullied-by-the-school-jock type going from no-hoper to class leading exponent at judo, kickboxing, rollerblading or surfing. The montage usually starts with a few failed attempts where our hero feels like it’s all too much and wants to give up, but then our man is exhorted to keep trying in a very earnest, frowning and shoulder-grabbing way by his mentor. The mentor, by the way, is usually a washed-up former champion at the discipline in question, whose wife left him because he was always touring, and now he spends his time drinking and sitting in a puddle of his own urine, shouting obscenities at pot plants.
There will then follow a few shots of the hero, nearly but not quite getting it right, climaxing in the successful completion of a very complicated manoeuvre, a high-five and a big bear hug. All with something like ‘Boys of Summer’ by Glen Frey playing in the background. Bah. Get out of it.

7. It’s an Irish movie where the only positive reviews are from Irish reviewers. You always know it’s fairly likely to be a bit of a dog and quite often it is.

8. You can hear crickets in the night scenes. That’s just fucking stupid. Like duuuh! We can tell it’s night time because it’s all dark and shit.

9. There's an **hilarious** parody of the bullet-dodging, time-bending scene from The Matrix. It may have been amusing the first time, just, but now it's as funny as people wearing Fcuk tee-shirts and thinking that they too are edgy and with it.

10. I see something like this. When I saw it for the first time, I was torn between switching it off out of horror at how stupid it all was, or keeping it on because there was the possibility of some more unintentionally hilarious moments. Trust me, this is worth three minutes of your time. Tough guy turns introspective, under the expert and insightful hand of Steven Seagal. Who'd have thunk it?

30 moos and woofs:

Susan said...

I wonder if the Matrix creators had any idea of the damage they'd inflict on a whole generation of movies; even Shrek has such a moment. Can we sue?

Radge said...

Kate Hudson.

Terence McDanger said...

Susan, the day I saw an animated short with 'ninja nuns' doing it, well that just wore the arse out of it as far as I'm concerned.

Radge would that be 'cutey cutey Kate Hudson' of 'Loop' fame? You and 5X ripping the piss out of her was one of the main reasons I read it so much. Ha!

Harmony said...

Come on i love Keanu so much

Radge said...

Happier times.

Terence McDanger said...

Harmony I will only concede that he does have aesthetic appeal for a certain target market, but beyond there, he is just bubble gum for the brain. Or candy for the eyes. And other imperious dismissals.

Indeed Radge, indeed. "The Lurgy. Won't be in."

cube said...

lol. I'm in agreement except for #5. I've yet to see a movie that didn't exploit boobage over the dribblies ;-)

Baino said...

Nooooo . . I love Nananu! Granted he has the same expression in everything nobody says "Whoa" like Nananu. Our ads go up 10 decibels too so I've given up watching movies on teev. Erm you're right about willies. Nobody wants to see them but I'm with cube . . it's all boobs and bums out here with little more than a glimpse of male nipplage . . ripped off I say!

cube said...

See, baino is with me on this. I'd be hard pressed to find a hetero movie that showed more male appendages than boobage. If you can prove otherwise then, please, do so.

Kath Lockett said...

Insert 'Edgy Australian movie' in your point number seven and I'll agree with you. And re the boobs vs willies bit.

Add, delete Keanu and put Nicolas Cage (shudder); Reece Witherspoon (blergh), Chevy Chase (ugh) and Vin Diesel (vomit).

Kev Brown said...

Excellently put! Come to think of it, I hate all those things too!

hope said...

I still don't get how ANYONE would willingly give money to Segal to make a movie...yuck! Then again, I wonder the same about your #1 choice too.

I'd add Harvey Keitel and Steve Buscemi to the list while nodding in agreement about Cage. There's a herd of untalented blondes roaming Hollywood..too many to name. But one imposter sounds like a french hotel. ;)

I wonder about the movies you're watching, McDanger. Seems every other movie on here is a virtual boob fest. Got to be so bad for a while, hubby and I turned it into a game of "Real or Fake?" Men here are usually relegated to um..turning the other cheek. Seen one butt, pretty much seen them all.

But thanks for the laugh..I needed that!

Terence McDanger said...

Cube/Baino: Now that you've put me on the spot I can't cite a specific willy-fest movie in particular, but I remember being affronted by two such films in my teen years. It was all shag shag (under blankets, no boobage) and next morning he rolls out of bed and...eeek! penis!!...and she wraps herself in the blankets and stays covered. That's just fucked up. Rare, but fucked up.

Kath, Keanu is the absolute worst but Vin Diesel is chasing him hard is the dumbfucker stakes, you're right. The rest on the list don't bother me too much though.

Welcome Kev, you're a new face around these parts.

Hope: Buscemi gives me the creeps but he's good in certain roles, usually a greasy loser or some such. Yes, you get fed up of excessive boobage after a while but when you're a teenager you can't get enough!

Jigsaw said...

Keanu is the man! He might not be able to act but he has that certain something that makes people watch! As for Boobage? They are like money in your hand....The more you see of it the better!

Jigsaw's Lair

cube said...

There you go. You can't cite it because it is so rare and few between. Boobage is the rule, whereas dribblies is the exception.

K8 the Gr8 said...

I agree with pretty much every single one of these things. You should've put them on separate blogs!!!

And added a rant about Cannes Film Festival films while you're at it.

I do take exception to #5 though, and would like to know exactly which films you're on about with timed pause notations, thanks.

Terence McDanger said...

Ah yes Cube/K8 but this is just about things I don't like in movies, not all of them are necessarily common!

I know what I saw. And it scarred me deeply.

There! I've said it!

Kitty Cat said...

Deadly list, is there no end to Steven Segal's talents?

And I know I'd much rather see boobs than willies.

Terence McDanger said...

Ask not is there no end to Steven Segal's talents, but is there no beginning to them.

T cup said...

boobs or willies, daddy or chips? the never ending dilema?

ashleigh said...

What number was it - the night-time scene thing.

EVERY SINGLE pommy made-for-tv thing ever has a large bird going "errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr" (loud screaming noise)

Usually several times. Thats how you know its night. Listen for them bloody peacocks screaming.

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