Thursday, February 26, 2009

Rapa Nui and chromosomes

Welcome to my heady and burgeoning times.

You may recall my tearjerker post of a few months ago, cataloguing my series of epic failures at, um, just about everything. For all of my days out there in white heat of competition, I had wilted always and bloomed never. Darts, athletics, pool, sumo wrestling, white water rafting, Bob-a-Job, Shave the Goat, University Challenge, Hungry Hippos and Kerplunk! – I flunked them all. Always finishing second.

That was until I went to a round table quiz last November and romped home with my team mates to claim a bounty of smoked salmon and red wine. That was a watershed day, the day Lady Luck took an almighty U-turn in my life.

The latest instalment? Last night, our crack commando team (we all wore undies though. I did anyway) reunited and went to another quiz and, yawn, we won again. Well okay, we sneaked seven on to a five-man team and four of them were girls but it was for charity and we handed back our €200 prizemoney as it was all for good causes. Namely, the Niall Mellon Township Trust, my ego and the Things to Blog About Foundation, in that order.

It’s irrefutable fact now that I will win every quiz I ever enter from here to eternity and without fear of overstatement, I announce to the world that I, Terence Alphonsus McDanger, know absolutely everything.
You should see me writing this. I’m wearing a suit of armour atop a white steed with my pennant a-snap and flapping in the breeze over my shoulder, as I survey my lands and watch for more of the good times coming teeming over the hills.

I’m literally cock-a-hoop. This sounds painful I know, but trust me, I’m actually in a good place. I’m strutting about, you know, doing that funny sort of funky get-down groovy walk people morph into when approaching a dance floor. That’s comedian Peter Kay’s observation but trust me, he won’t mind me taking it. He’s hardly going to mess with the man who knows everything, is he? I could fuck up his shit real bad like, if he starts thinking he knows stuff like what country the island of Rapa Nui belongs to, or how many pairs of chromosomes a woman has.

I’ve now taken to flexing my great matter in public too. I’ve just come back inside after standing in front of the GPO challenging passers-by to a quiz-off.

“Here you! Yeah, you.”

“Sorry, can I hel….”

“Yeah yeah, listen. Just ask me a question. Anything at all. I’ll answer it. I fucking know everything me. Go on, ask me a question, anything at all.”

“Em…ok…er….what is 1/4 of 1/2 of 1/5 of 200?”

(Pause).

“Right! Ask me another question, anything at all, I know fucking everything me.................”

19 moos and woofs:

Radge said...

You and your vainglorious boastaging!

It was all her. I can tell.

narocroc said...

Huzzah you quiz winning fiend!

Oh and it's 5. I think.

Susan said...

Everyone knows Rapa Nui doesn't *belong* to anyone, and is inhabited by space aliens imprisoned on earth for horrible crimes committed on their home planet, and they spend their centuries-long lifespans here carving strange large heads to keep from going absolutely mental.

(One of the places I've always wanted to visit!)

So can I be on your team next time?

hope said...

If you are indeed the All Knowing, how about tell me when I can expect to find a job worthy of me rather than toiling for the mental midgets I currently endure.

Thanking you in advance, your Greatness. :)

Red Leeroy said...

I wish blockbusters was still on. McDanger asking for a P please Bob. Dream within a dream.

Terence McDanger said...

Radge, one of the questions was how many ROI counties border Northern Ireland? I'm from Cavan, and I got it wrong. Ooooooh....

Correct answer Narocroc, none of the others even tried. Sheesh!

Let's do it Susan. I'm taking bookings, thequizoracle.com, I'm pimping myself out as a trivia guru. You can have me for free, just throw in a few pints of Smithwicks and we're square.

Hope, when the tides repel the creatures of the sea and the heavens point to the folly of man at evensong, only then can your destiny be revealed. He said, gnomically.

Blockbusters? Loved that show man it's only a matter of time before it makes a proper comeback. I even had it on Commodore 64 but the gold run was a separate game, FFS! One of the questions: What X was invented by Rontegen?

Baino said...

Congratulations ... I think I have loads of that useless information stashed away in the recesses of my poor excuse for a mind as well . . .just don't ask me to pinpoint a country that ends in . ..stan!

hope said...

You know, hanging with the Irish taught me the word shite. :)

But I love ya none the less...in a proper kind of way, not such that it would interfere with your impending marriage plans.

Kath Lockett said...

Well done, Alphonsus. It so happens that I too, possess the all-knowing, all-winning, trivia-night gene.

Sure, I retired three years ago but the magic's still there.

Kath Lockett said...

I'm back again,this time to ask you a question. No, not trivia related, but meme related. Whilst your blog is looking a tad bare on the interior design front, I'll tag you for a meme about your living quarter's sense of style:
http://blurbfromtheburbs.blogspot.com/2009/02/blogging-beauty-my-beautiful-kind-dear.html

Holemaster said...

Did you see the nearly all Irish team make a total arse of the it last week? You should have been there Terence, you would have saved the day.

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