Tuesday, February 17, 2009

The tooth! It's still out there! A little bit.

At the age of three and two, thirty-two, it would seem I'm still teething.

This is an outrageous face of a stairs, as one of my Dad's favourite jokes would have it. Because 32 is no age at which to be teething like. 32 I say. Jasus. What's that in dog years? Old money? Bingo numbers even?

Well past two little ducks, and looking for me droopy drawers, that's what.

What sort of a trick of nature is it that the hair on my head I'd like to hang on to is disappearing rapidly and being replaced by ardent growth in my nostrils and ears, where I'd rather it wasn't? Why am I gaining a belly despite doing all I can to stave it off and now, why am I growing teeth in a mouth where there's no place for them? Bleh!

I'm waking up nights with throbbing jaws and flushed cheeks now, and I'm only just short of roaring for my Calpol and putting gripe water on my porridge of a morning. Poor me. I'm having to liquidise my food and if this continues, I'm moving home so my Mammy can play the airplane game with the plastic spoon in an effort to stop me dying of the malnutrition.

Now, I'll admit, I was quite taken with my new tooth back when it first burst on the scene. It only popped up when I finally had an old rotten one removed and I thought I was the chosen one for some sort of anointed dental resurrection. I believed I was one of those rare, blessed people with the power to grow infinite limbs, digits and sets of teeth, no matter how many times I lost the original ones.

I tell you, I was just about to hunt down Shane McGowan and taunt him with my superpowers when the dentist told me it was actually just a belated wisdom tooth coming up, now that the dead one had been removed and there was a bit of gumtown real estate freed up in the highly prized and exclusive area known as My Gob - and we don't grow teeth for nobody else here in My Gob you know.

That was quite some time ago and I've been patiently awaiting the birth of the new tooth in the meantime, except it seems a little bit of a reluctant performer. Now, the puffiness and pain in my gums tells me it's all gone to shit back there and while one side of it is up and looking normal, the rest of it seems to have its arse cocked askance and is tilted someway that won't allow it grow properly.

So I haven't so much got a fully fledged wisdom tooth per se, I have instead a 'somewhat mature but lacks focus tooth' or 'sensible for the most part but is easily lead astray' tooth.

I should do what my Dad did and get the whole lot of them reefed out and replaced by dentures, and then I can slip them out and do impressions of the old fellas in the ads for Bonjela.

Always a silver lining.

18 moos and woofs:

narocroc said...

I fear I am in that same boat good man. Hasn't kicked in yet at all though. Pains me from time to time but I'm a man I can take it.

Yeah right!

Susan said...

Being even more middle-aged than you are, I can tell you to count yourself LUCKY to have a tooth too many, instead of a tooth too few! It'll happen faster than you want it to.

I comfort myself by thinking how much I'm saving in toothpaste. That's a benefit, right? Right?

Red Leeroy said...

arrrrrghh fuck. Wisdom, infinite wisdom. I was told 3 years ago they might be coming, i haven't been back to the butcher yet. The bastard butcher. Calpol was my first word you know.

Meadow said...

Oh, sounds awful...

Gripe water is illegal in Ireland now. Break out the poitín.

Radge said...

It appears to me that you're ageing backwards. Y'know, like in that film, 'Forrest Gump 2: The Backwardening'.

You seemed ok in work today, though. Don't hide things from me, Terence.

Terence McDanger said...

Shhhh Narocroc, I don't want us to start off a rash of **hilarious** man flu II emails - Man-Tooth.

Susan, there's something about you WV folk and matters dental. How do you know the toothbrush was invented there etc etc....

Leeroy, I'm just hoping it can sort out its kinks all by itself and soar upwards like it's supposed to, straight and proud.
My first word was antidisestablishmentarianism.
What were you, fucking thick or wha?

Meadow! Gasp! They've banned gripe water? There's something to complain about, wha? BOOM BOOM!

Radge, I'm just trying to stay strong for the both of us.

hope said...

So you won't feel alone in dental world. :)

When I was 19 I began cutting a tooth in the nether regions of my too small dentally speaking mouth. I was in college and worked for a dentist on the weekends...he'd married my neighbor and I'd done babysitting for them. The babysitting was more profitable. Anyway, I was paralyzed with fear as I [a] hated dentists more than the thought of the IRS [b]had heard horror stories about what had to be plucked out to allow the new tooth to stay [c] not being a drinker, had no way to get rid of pain but aspirin.

The dentist I worked for took x-rays, which he made ME develop as part of my job, then took a look. Shaking his head he announced that this wasn't a wisdom tooth. That I didn't even have the buds for wisdom teeth [like that was a lovely flower or something] and I was extremely lucky as I'd never have to have the buggers removed.

Lucky. Within 6 months I grew 3 more of these suckers, one per corner. For not being wisdom teeth, they hurt like the devil coming in. When I went to my regular dentist, he studied them for a long time. I thought it was because he was getting old and had forgotten what he was doing. Then he backed up and smiled.

I've never done anything the easy way. My dentist then explained that I had never cut my 12 year old molars but because my mouth was small, it wasn't noticeable to me. {Shouldn't it have been to him? He'd been my dentist since I was 8}. He explained that my "new" teeth were a hybrid...and before hybrids were even cool. The front half was that of a 12 year old molar, the back half was wisdom tooth.

He smiled at me again and said in what he thought was a kind tone,"You see my dear, you're dentally retarded."

I kid you not. :)

Baino said...

A just tie a bit of string around it, the other end to the door knob and SLAM! Actually my sister in law just had all her wisdom teeth removed, a week off work schlepping on the couch and frankly, she isn't any dumber than she was before!

Kath Lockett said...

Ah, consider yersel' lucky that you didn't get all four wisdom teeth whipped out in the chair by an incompetent dental student, accompanied by a nurse who kept gasping, "Oh no!" as I clamped my eyes shut and felt tears running into my ear holes.....

Holemaster said...

I was in a scene from Hostel in a dentist on Pembroke Road. Was moved between three rooms while having to listen to the Dentists rugger bugger son warbling on about school like and Sky News blaring in another room. He was filling one tooth and then decided to reef out another on the spot, a wisdom. I felt tough after it though.

Terence McDanger said...

Hope you should have just blogged that instead of wasting it in the comments in here!

Baino I'd try that only it's a half-grown mongrel of a thing, there's no getting a chain around it at all. I fear a bit of mining will be required by the dentist. Meh. Feckin' teeth. I wish I was a worm.

Yes Kath! I remember that on your blog too. I'm such an avid reader me!

Holemaster - he just elected to fish out your wisdom there and then with no prior consultation and no chance afforded to you to blog about it for years and build it up into some sort of epic ordeal that it probably wasn't? The FUCKER!

hope said...

Ah visiting you is never a waste. :)

And when I got home, I had a bill from the dentist for the last work he did on me...plus reminding me it's time for "cleaning".

Sigh...does it ever end?

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