I'm not eating that!

You know how restaurants are great at aggrandising and purple-prosing the descriptions of their dishes? As in, fried cheese and jam becomes 'Delicate slivers of crumbed brie, deep fried and drizzled with a mouthwatering cranberry jus...' and so on?

Look, that's all well and good, a bit of gerrymanderrenderbending with reality never hurt anybody as far as I'm concerned. I've got a few snogs that way myself and job adverts, menus, estate agents, well they all have more pliable versions of their truth when they sit down to write it and most people have the requisite cynicism not to be over duped.

Besides, and the reason for today's post is this, just think of how food sounds when they don't big those menus up all high falutin' style. There's things people won't eat when they smell them; me, I make judgements on the sounds they make when you say them. Now that's how to be a true gourmand, fuckers.

Dripping
They tell me that 'Dripping' is animal fat used in cooking, or, in some parts of Yorkshire, spread on bread to make a sandwich. A real culinary treat Ooop North is, I've learned, a sandwich consisting simply of bread and brown fat (better than ordinary fat it seems. Tastier. Fattier. Fuck knows). This is known as a 'mucky fat sandwich.' Hmmm. Mucky. Fat. Sandwich.
As a total sumptuous overindulgence, however, king of them all is 'Dripping Cake', where the congealed sticky fat 'forms a toffee-like layer at the base of a cake'. They describe this like it's a good thing, in case you're wondering. Beef fat flavoured cake. Sounds yummy enough, alright.
I'm crying as I write this. Seriously.

Listen, to sum up, it's like this. Annoying leaky tap = dripping. Snotty noses = dripping. Incontinent people = dripping. Oversexed dogs on heat = dripping.

I'm not hungry thanks.

Toad in the hole
Apparently it's some sort of sausage dish but seriously, whose tastebuds are any way tickled by images of a slimy curious frog poking its head of your anus?
There's nothing more I can add really. Save for the small aside that when I was ten, I read the Adrian Mole diary and roared laughing when one of his schoolmates refused to eat his canteen dinner, telling the cook it was "all fucking hole and no toad."
They don't write 'em like that any more.

Tripe
Don't we usually describe something as 'tripe' when we want to imply that it is, literally, bullshit? Well, the apple hasn't fallen too far from the tree, or indeed the shit from the cow, in the linguistic sense because Wiki tells me that tripe is the muscular lining of a cow's stomach. One of or all four of them, I can't be arsed finding out, so you see it is technically involved in the bullshit process at some juncture or other.
Furthermore, tripe's a versatile feast that can be contributed to by many animals of the herd, so you can be equally disgusted by alternatively eating a sheep's or a pig's stomach instead, although they say, wait for it, that the sheep or pig's stomach "isn't as nice."
I can only imagine this is like deliberating over a menu at a shoemakers and opting to eat the Doc Marten boots instead of wellies, because the wellies "can be a bit chewy, I find."
The wonders of tripe don't end there either. Sometimes it's called 'green tripe' because of the way in which undigested grass colours it before removal. Mmmm, rubbery stomach and chlorophyll goodness to boot, simply divine!

Crubeens
My mother used to threaten to serve this for dinner whenever I was misbehaving. So I knew it was bad. When I was really bold, she'd tell me she'd take things a step further and actually have my father cook it, so I knew I was really fucked then.
Anyway, it turns out they're boiled and salted pigs feet, so clearly, my mother knew what she was talking about.

Spotted Dick
Ah Jasus. This is too easy. Just do the maths yourselves:

Willys + syphillis = ?

+++++

Now, of course you will find someone who, when you mention the above foods to them, will say "Oh yes, it tastes like chicken, you should try it."

Pay them no heed. There's fuckers out there who'll tell you that boiled shite tastes like chicken, before adding knowledgeably "it's just a little tougher is all."

Me hole.

And divil a toad up there either.

And the ferret thing was just a rumour as well.