Tuesday, March 10, 2009

I'm not eating that!

You know how restaurants are great at aggrandising and purple-prosing the descriptions of their dishes? As in, fried cheese and jam becomes 'Delicate slivers of crumbed brie, deep fried and drizzled with a mouthwatering cranberry jus...' and so on?

Look, that's all well and good, a bit of gerrymanderrenderbending with reality never hurt anybody as far as I'm concerned. I've got a few snogs that way myself and job adverts, menus, estate agents, well they all have more pliable versions of their truth when they sit down to write it and most people have the requisite cynicism not to be over duped.

Besides, and the reason for today's post is this, just think of how food sounds when they don't big those menus up all high falutin' style. There's things people won't eat when they smell them; me, I make judgements on the sounds they make when you say them. Now that's how to be a true gourmand, fuckers.

Dripping
They tell me that 'Dripping' is animal fat used in cooking, or, in some parts of Yorkshire, spread on bread to make a sandwich. A real culinary treat Ooop North is, I've learned, a sandwich consisting simply of bread and brown fat (better than ordinary fat it seems. Tastier. Fattier. Fuck knows). This is known as a 'mucky fat sandwich.' Hmmm. Mucky. Fat. Sandwich.
As a total sumptuous overindulgence, however, king of them all is 'Dripping Cake', where the congealed sticky fat 'forms a toffee-like layer at the base of a cake'. They describe this like it's a good thing, in case you're wondering. Beef fat flavoured cake. Sounds yummy enough, alright.
I'm crying as I write this. Seriously.

Listen, to sum up, it's like this. Annoying leaky tap = dripping. Snotty noses = dripping. Incontinent people = dripping. Oversexed dogs on heat = dripping.

I'm not hungry thanks.

Toad in the hole
Apparently it's some sort of sausage dish but seriously, whose tastebuds are any way tickled by images of a slimy curious frog poking its head of your anus?
There's nothing more I can add really. Save for the small aside that when I was ten, I read the Adrian Mole diary and roared laughing when one of his schoolmates refused to eat his canteen dinner, telling the cook it was "all fucking hole and no toad."
They don't write 'em like that any more.

Tripe
Don't we usually describe something as 'tripe' when we want to imply that it is, literally, bullshit? Well, the apple hasn't fallen too far from the tree, or indeed the shit from the cow, in the linguistic sense because Wiki tells me that tripe is the muscular lining of a cow's stomach. One of or all four of them, I can't be arsed finding out, so you see it is technically involved in the bullshit process at some juncture or other.
Furthermore, tripe's a versatile feast that can be contributed to by many animals of the herd, so you can be equally disgusted by alternatively eating a sheep's or a pig's stomach instead, although they say, wait for it, that the sheep or pig's stomach "isn't as nice."
I can only imagine this is like deliberating over a menu at a shoemakers and opting to eat the Doc Marten boots instead of wellies, because the wellies "can be a bit chewy, I find."
The wonders of tripe don't end there either. Sometimes it's called 'green tripe' because of the way in which undigested grass colours it before removal. Mmmm, rubbery stomach and chlorophyll goodness to boot, simply divine!

Crubeens
My mother used to threaten to serve this for dinner whenever I was misbehaving. So I knew it was bad. When I was really bold, she'd tell me she'd take things a step further and actually have my father cook it, so I knew I was really fucked then.
Anyway, it turns out they're boiled and salted pigs feet, so clearly, my mother knew what she was talking about.

Spotted Dick
Ah Jasus. This is too easy. Just do the maths yourselves:

Willys + syphillis = ?

+++++

Now, of course you will find someone who, when you mention the above foods to them, will say "Oh yes, it tastes like chicken, you should try it."

Pay them no heed. There's fuckers out there who'll tell you that boiled shite tastes like chicken, before adding knowledgeably "it's just a little tougher is all."

Me hole.

And divil a toad up there either.

And the ferret thing was just a rumour as well.

23 moos and woofs:

Grow Up said...

We had two clay jars in the fridge growing up. One said "Pork Dripping", the other "Beef Dripping". Now I hasten to point out that narey a sambo was made with their contents, but fat carried flavour, so when a fry was finished, rather than cast the grease in the pan out, it was reclaimed, a mixture of old and new, for the next time. Similarly for roast beef. And I'll tell ya, the roast spuds made with either were magic!

Grow Up said...

Oh and in France they do a spicy sausage called Andouillette, stuffed with (you guessed it) insufficiently minced (i.e. identifiable) tripe.

Radge said...

By this reckoning, champ would be brilliant, but really it's just potatoes and cabbage, or so I think.

Meadow said...

I always find it funny when people say, with the most awful grimace,'Here, taste this. G'on, try it. It's absolutely DISGUSTING. Try it!'

Susan said...

You're so right about how damaging names are to English cuisine. If 'spotted dick' was called by its ingredients, you know I might try it. Likewise, if steak and kidney pie were called something euphemistic like oh, 'spotted dick', hey I might try it.

My mother used to like pickled pig's feet, headcheese and fried calf brains. I'd stare at her in horror during when she mentioned them, but you know, it was probably less horrific than what I've had at KFC all my life, that I ate without knowing. The key is, the NOT KNOWING. Y'know?

Terence McDanger said...

Grow up - but it's called **dripping**. That just gives me the willies.

Radge - champ is not bad I'll grant you, that's a sagely observation from you my good fellow.

Meadow - that gave me a good laugh, fair play. Because it's abslutely true.

Susan, spot on there. My sister hated liver as a child and refused to entertain it at dinner times, until we told it her it was steak and she wolfed it down and loved it. Humans eh? We're all stupid.

Baino said...

OK I'm English so I'm qualified to say that English Cuisine is an oxymoron . . then you lot think Black Pudding is a breakfast food! Don't get me started on Pickled Walnuts and anything sausagy is just lips and arseholes. Then I eat prawns and oysters and we all know what their job is under the sea!

Baino said...

Oh and brussell sprouts are NOT fairy cabbages! They're for rabbits only.

Kath Lockett said...

...I *love* brussels sprouts, but anything offaly or with 'lips and arseholes' as Baino so eloquently puts it is definitely off the menu. Even if it's described as 'Wok-seared with garden-fresh greens, Thai sesame oil and hand-cut desiree potatoes.' Wot, you mean fried brains and veg?

hope said...

Kindly add "oozing" to your list. Some restaurant we went to talked about a dish which was "oozing with cheese".

That sounds like dripping... with intestinal complications.

And now I'm suppose to go and cook dinner. Sigh.

Red Leeroy said...

When people mention boxty it always irks me. I don't know why. Boxty, sounds like........carboardy.

Red Leeroy said...

cardboardy....

narocroc said...

And don't get me started on bleedin' coddle.

Nice return Red. Quick as a flash too!

Terence McDanger said...

Baino, I never fail to find your 'lips and arseholes' go-to phrase funny. Always use it. Always.

Kath? Offaly and lips and arseholes? Are you slagging Brian Cowen now?

Oozing? Yeuch! Sounds like an infected wound. Ewww.

Red, there's nothing wrong with boxty. I always thought it was a former band of Christy Moore's until somebody put me to the wise about it.

Coddle! Forgot that one. Then again, it could have been titled literally - "Big pile of whatever shite's in the press, boiled and passed off as something nutritious our forebears thrived on."

Nope, doesn't have a pleasant ring at all, much indeed, like the poor bastards on the jacks after they've eaten it, ahaw haw haw...

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