Monday, April 20, 2009

The sweat differential conundrum

C'mere to me 'til I tell you.

You know how girls have two boobs and one of them, when studied carefully (insert joke here) is generally found to be a different size, or perhaps perched higher or swinging lower than the other? And how nipples often look in different directions as well, like lovers after a tiff?

You're probably also aware then, that men generally have one of their testicoolers sitting at a different, or slacker angle to its neighbour. Ears too; they're generally not symmetrical either, and if you had two noses, like, say, Barbara Streisand, you'd find slight disparities between those and all. So you see, every thing we have a pair of on our bodies seemingly just wants to be a little bit different from its sibling. It's like identical twins rebelling against parents for making them dress the same all the time.

Anyway, in a similar vein, you know what I noticed some time ago?

**Clears throat** Under normal climatic conditions, I only sweat properly out of one armpit!

Yep. The drama of it all. I've been sitting here typing away furiously on some fantabulous literary creation or other and while my right armpit is sodden, the left one is drier than a witch's diddy. How so?

Leaving aside the obvious health and fitness implications of typing causing me to break sweat - I'd be out of breath licking a stamp at this rate - this puzzles me, embarrasses me a little even. So I've sought the counsel of my learned friends, usually, now that I think of it, at weddings where one is most conscious of the dreaded sweaty pits. The old 'map of Africa' blotches on your shirt is never a good look, especially when there's theoretical hordes of eligible lovelorn ladies mooning about, all high on wedding palaver and rubbing their flanks and arching their eyebrows and running their tongue over their lips and oooooh phwoarrrrr oooooooh Betty oooohhhh......

Moving on however, one learned friend I turn to in times of crisis like these is The Good Doctor, an esteemed college professor pal. He moves in highly intellectual circles, debating daily, as he does, cerebral matters such as Freudian psychology applied to the sexual response of herrings, Pythagoras' theory applied to tent-pitching, and investigating where the other sock goes. However, he remains grounded amisdst this ever-churning sea of higher learning by openly supporting Manchester City and eating bacon fries as much as possible.

If you're not convinced by his credentials, and happy are those who have not seen and yet believe, allow me provide an example of the The Good Doctor's remarkable insight. For, it was he who first stated in a groundbreaking white paper circa 2006 that the closest male equivalent to the clucking of the female biological clock is where a bloke wakes up one day and finally realises that he is, alas, now too old to ever make it as a professional footballer.

That's how deep this guy runs, folks.

Naturally, with groundbreaking theories like this, when faced with my conunderarm conunderum, it was his advice I sought. He listened intently, then did some rough calculus and algebra type stuff for about twenty minutes before arriving at the conclusion that it was all due to me being right handed and therefore having a natural tendency to spray more deodorant under my left pit, neglecting just slightly my right one.

That sounded good to me, and content, I swabbed myself down with a baby wipe and thought no more of it.

Content, until today that is. For today I wear no deodorant at all, on either pit, and yet I am soaking on one side.

I feel like some sort of circus freak show act. Now I know how the big-and-burly-yet-shy-and-sensitive-black-man feels in the ad for Sure deodorant, everyone pointing and laughing at his white tiger marks while he's going about his daily business of being all cool and shit.

I'll book another consultation with the Good Doctor, see what he has to say for himself.

26 moos and woofs:

Holemaster said...

This is a drive-by memeing

http://eskerriada.wordpress.com/2009/04/20/ive-been-memed-in-the-face/

Red Leeroy said...

This is both hilarious and facinating in equal measure. Is there some sort of draft emininating from your computer, a cooling fan perhaps, or a door left slightly open? This could account for the one cool pit. Although perhaps your body leans slightly to one side, therefore causing the sweat to trickle inwardly through your multivessels over to your evil side?

Radge said...

Ah, The Good Doctor. You should acknowledge that twas I that made him known to you, and I have also been known to lodge queries his way. Mine are generally football pundit-related as, as well as being an impressive man intellectually, he takes off a mean Billo.

That was one long paragraph.

Terence McDanger said...

Tagged twice by Holemaster in his new plumage and Red Leeroy, normally attired, but none the less achingly sexy for it I reckon. There'll be six of the best coming your ways shortly when I can think of them.

Red I appreciate your musings but listen, if the Good Doctor can't come up with the answers, the rest of us needn't bother.

Yes Radge I should acknowledge that you did in fact bring the Good Doctor into my life and all his attendant gifts and insights. Wait till we wreck his gaff at the housewarming though, he'll turn proper cuntish right away. Ah well.

Maxi Cane said...

My 7 nipples make my chest look like a constalation.

Baino said...

Hmmm . . furious mouse action perhaps? Kudos to one who writes so eloquently about uneven perspiration! Srsly . . I'd get it checked out by a real medico. I don't think Pythagoras is going to fix this one!

hope said...

Damn Baino, you beat me to it. I too envisioned a mouse at supersonic speeds. ;)

Sorry, nothing medical to add. A fact for your collection of human body part trivia: besides the fact you have a hand and a foot larger than it's twin, did you know that your ring finger size is a half size smaller than your shoe size?

Hmmm, this may not work where you live as we all seem to use different units of measure... and perhaps ring fingers. Wedding bands here go on the left hand and Europeans seem to prefer the right. And the Irish? [Please tell Radge that the correct answer is not that you prefer a good pint]. ;)

Susan said...

Hm. My first tendency is to think that everything is a symptom of dying, but the doctor doesn't seem to worried, so it's probably just you know, getting old.

I'm really guessing that your pit is away on holiday. Maybe you left it in Malta?

Seriously, your doctor needs a big thumping. WHY would you only now be weakly spraying deodorant with your left hand---wouldn't this have been an issue back when you were 13, if that's the case? What a doof.

@Hope; weird about the shoe size ring size! Is that only for women, because it works for me, but not for hubby, who is a ringsize 14 (American) or ZZ (UK). I had to special-order his wedding ring because of it; his feet are only a ten.

Hmmm... I'll ask him if both armpits are working. He says yes.

Meadow said...

Hmmm, my first thought was the same as the good Doctor's. My next thought is to wonder if you're right or left handed and if the dry pit (!) corelates.

And, no disrespect to Dr Good, but perhaps seeing a goooder Doctor would be no harm. Blocked sweat glands would not be pleasant after a while.

If there's no medical answer, do not despair. I'm sure there's a job for you in the tent next to the Bearded Woman's.

Kath Lockett said...

Sweetie, you should only worry if the differential is so enormous that when you're running you lean sideways and eventually keel over into a ditch. Otherwise, save it for that all-important chat-up that you'll be sure to land.

Irish Begrudger said...

I've seen this kind of thing before Terence. There's a cure, but it involves killing you and reanimating your corpse. Even then there's only a 12% chance of the sweat differential subsiding, and the side effects (chesty cough, loss of appetite, zombyism, cravings for brain) are significant.

jothemama said...

You could just stand sideways, always, dry side out?

Is the sweaty side on the side you favour? It does make sense. Or that you're clenched more on that side...

Try shaving it!

I have no idea if it would help, but the idea amuses me.

Terence McDanger said...

Maxi? Seven nipples? Milking cows have less than that forgodsakes, you don't have a chest so much like a constellation, more a rubber glove. Jasus. Have you any sisters though?

Hope, does that mean if I'm ever getting married in the US, I should just plonkl my big toe on the counter at the jeweller's? Have I that right?

Susan/Meadow, I should point out that he's not actually a medical doctor, but a bearer of a Phd in something else that allows him to call himself a Doctor. He's like Ian Paisley, only more dulect of voice and more avuncular generally speaking. I've alerted him to this blog and he's locked himself into his laboratory mixing noxious chemicals in an effort to get to the bottom of, um, my pit.

Kath...it's a case of one armpit looking like ZZ Top in windstorm and the other looking Moses with a bit of Brylcreem in for the Sunday.

Welcome aboard Irish Begrudger, new commenters always welcome even if their first contribution is to suggest I do away with myself and become part of the living dead fraternity. Ah feck it, you can stay regardless.

Joe the Mama - gasp! another newbie! hellooooo! - I used to walk around with one arm held aloft into the breeze to keep the air circulating in there, but everyone thought I was doing Hitler impressions and some busybodybastardface called the Guards. Gospel truth that.

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