Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Buttered rump

A quizzical double take, and a very appropriate Labrador puppy-like tilt of the head, was his response when he noticed it for the first time.

Never one to delay any longer than strictly necessary in this aisle of the supermarket - because of his neurotic belief that nobody but nobody else in all of Dublin does disgusting stuff like pooing or using arsewipe - he couldn’t but focus in on the shelf all the same. His hand shot momentarily to his face as he realised.

My Lord, he thought, they’re selling brown coloured toilet roll, in even browner coloured wrapping. This has never been seen before. That’s brave. There's a reason it hasn't been seen before and all, the same reason why sanitary towels aren't packaged in fire engine red.

After a cursory glance around to make sure he was alone, he leaned in closer to confirm that yes, this was indeed brown toilet roll, and it was undeniably being sold in browner wrapping. The last time he had found toilet tissue so arresting was when he spied a new brand called Thick and Fast and thought how appropriate a name that was for jacks paper, until he realised they were, regrettably, kitchen rolls. An opportunity missed.

Wait a fucking minute though, he thought. Wha? What the…is that?…there on the label…is that toilet roll, in brown paper, with…with…butter on it? Butter? What? Butter???

It fucking was too, you know. It said so. Right there. On the label. Andrex Toilet Tissue with Shea Butter – the feel of luxury, no less. What the Jasus though. Buttered rolls? For wiping your arse with? You’d get quare looks in the bakery, he mused.

And the feel of luxury as well? Jesus, he sniffed like an oul' woman wrapping an overcoat across his breasts in disapproval, but we’ve shtarted to think fiersh highly of our lowly underparts altogether, hrrrmph and a good day to you too Mrs. Fitzgoggins. 

Where will it all end? Next thing you know we’ll be refusing to wipe ourselves with nothing less than strips of burgundy velvet cut from the robes of Louis XIV. Or with feathery boas. Or with a cutting from the Bayeaux tapestry, or even in ermine furs from freshly skinned minks. Or maybe we’ll just take the ad men literally and start cleaning our bumbums with a fresh Labrador puppy? Sure why not? They’re not just for Christmas, they’re for cleaning your arse it seems. Right up to Easter too I’d wager.

And it’s Shea butter no less. Oooooooh, Shea butter, we’ll coo in admiration, and then ask each other what the fuck Shea butter is.We won't know nor will we fucking care either, we'll be off down the chipper quicksmart for Sheabutteredbatterburgers to get with the craze.

Nope, no Utterly Butterly here, not to mention the very apt Low Low or traditional favourite Flora, which would even come with clear wiping instructions from a grinning golfer who knows how to avoid chafing because “five is the magic number.”

Marlon Brando, eh? 

What a pioneer.

39 moos and woofs:

Radge said...

I'm just waiting for 'I Can't Believe It's Not Bog Roll.'

Did he buy it?

Maxi Cane said...

Yeah, it's all gone down the toilet alright

hope said...

At first I thought you were going to tell us it was recycled paper combining too very bad things. :0

Your cow should feel insulted and start a revolution, what with Shea Butter in almost EVERYTHING and it's origins have nothing to do with hardworking cows!

Red said...

What ever happened to using just ordinary butter? Whats wrong with Kerrygold???

Meadow said...

I have a feathery boa that I acquired on Saturday night. You're welcome to borrow it any time.

narocroc said...

Let them shite cake.

Grow Up said...

Given what I've seen dogs do the puppy would probably lick your arse clean.

Helen Daniels said...

Last Tango in Paris was responsible for my butter aversion for many a year. even now if i see a guy spreading an inch thick of butter on bread I get suspicious.

Terence McDanger said...

Radge, here's the reveal: the 'he' was ME!
I'm...
**adopts formal preofessorial upper crust accent**
...experimenting with form and narrative again, in the manner of Joyce, I like to think...

But no, 'he' did not buy it.

Maxi, I expected a far more sexually deviant comment from you, I think I'm a wee bit disappointed actually.

Red: Traidtional butter is 'bad' for you. Like the golfer says, you have to think of your cholarseterol like.

Meadow I can hardly wait! I'll straddle it like a rocking horse and do a pushmepullyou/conga towelling manoeuvre while signing a smoky sultry classic in the style of Marilyn Monroe. I'll look totally ace!

Narocroc, all I can say to that is LOL. Very good sir, very good.

grow up, it'd make you wonder how they get chsoen to be guide dogs at that rate of going.

Terence McDanger said...

Helen Daniels, it's the butter dishes in peoples' fridges make me quail. (As in afraid, not the small bird). If there's anything remotely like finger indentations therein, I slam the door and run from the house immediately hollering for my mammy and clutching my trousers.
It's almost as bad as seeing a fork in the dog food tin, because you realise it will never be *totally* clean of dog food for the rest of its life and somewhere along the line someone is going to eat their dinner with THAT fork. Mmmm.

White Rabbit said...

BROWN TOILET PAPER?!

Ffs the world has gone mad!

Helen Daniels said...

Wet dog food. fork. I just got a shiver down my spine..... Although i only realised a few years back that the brown 'sick basin' we used to get by our bed in times of childhood illness is the same one my Mam makes the Christmas cake in.

Terence McDanger said...

Hope - I missed your comment earlier. Are you familiar with Shea butter? I'm too lazy to google it. I doubt it was conceived with soothing peoples' arses in mind anyway.

White rabbit - welcome aboard. I have to come er, clean, and admit that the paper itself is more of a coffee colour in fairness, but still quite reminiscent of poo. Depending on your diet.

Helen Daniels, was there carrots in it? There's always carrots in it.

Red Leeroy said...

some good unsalted butter would help.......err I think.

hope said...

Not until you made me look it up. Hey, I have wondered. It's in lots of hand lotions, sun tan lotions, toilet paper {why?!} and heaven knows what else.

I know you're a busy man. Here, so you don't have to go look it up: Shea butter is a slightly yellowish or ivory-colored natural fat extracted from fruit of the shea tree by crushing and boiling.

Have no idea what a Shea tree looks like.

All right. I'll go google it.

Adullamite said...

Just what kind of shops do you have over there???

Baino said...

I've always avoided 'recycled' toilet paper . . .not sure where it comes from!

Kath Lockett said...

We've had brown bog rolls available down here in Oz for years.... but to associate them with butter and Marlon Brando.....erk, I'd never thought of that.....

And lord help me if some marketing genius ever decides to soften the arse sheets with COCOA butter...

Susan said...

I'm surprised--amazed really--that Hope didn't say this first. But as they say in her (our) part of the world,
"Well, butter mah butt 'n call me a biscuit." Which means, "wow".

I can tell you they don't have such fancy stuff out here in WEST Cavan, no sir.

hope said...

Susan, how did they split us apart at birth? :)

I actually bought my husband a welcome mat for his shop that reads, "Well Butter my Butt and Call me a Biscuit...Look who's Here!"

Maxi Cane said...

Stick your disappointment up your hole, I've been taking a lot of flack for leaving dirty comments on other blogs lately.

I could have gone to town and spoken about the number of rumps I've buttered over the years, or rims I've licked. But no, I didn't.

I'll tell you this though, the next time I have a rusty sheriff's badge spread in front of me and puckering for some Utterly Butterly, I'll be sure to take a picture while asking the recicpient who's taking the horse to France.

Sake.

Susan said...

Hope, I think you and I are really the same person in alternate realities...?? Like Spock (seems logical enough, innit?)

hope said...

I'd say the thought is fascinating. ;)

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