Wednesday, May 06, 2009

The ides of March and Cavan poetry

Just time for a quick one today.

Failing that however, I'll write a short blog instead.

I was in Cavan there at the weekend after a long time away from the motherland, and got a timely reminder of the effortless poetry woven through the lyrical cadences of my countymen's speech.
Brother McDanger and I were in the Chinese after the pub, where most of our vast literary canon is conceived in the small hours, (and many other things come to think of it, including two of my nieces ha ha), when in staggers one of our many minor cause celebres known locally as 'Durty PJ.'

So Durty PJ leans drunkenly and durtily across the counter like he does, pondering the essence of life and the difficult choices we must make between chicken balls and shredded crispy duck. He is slumped over with his backside jutting out, uncomfortably into the personal space of the row of people on benches behind him. Having slurred his order (the duck, in the end), he sort of loses control of himself and drops a huge fart. You could tell he wasn't trying to force it, it was one of those that just fell out by accident and was more powerful and noisy than anticipated. It started off in a really loud growl and only gradually descended through the register before tailing off into a high pitched squeak like a child teasing air from the stretched lips of a balloon.

With everyone staring at him in horror and going off their food a touch, PJ waved a hand dismissively in the air, either absolving himself from all sin or trying to dissipate the smell, who knows.

Then a bloke beside me nudges his girlfriend and says: "That was a definite March fart."

"He's a dirty, humpy hoor so he is," she replied. "And what's a March fart anyway?"

"Have you never heard of a March fart? You know...it came out like a lion and went out like a lamb."

Laughter filled most of the air like the end of an episode of Scooby Doo.

22 moos and woofs:

Brighid said...

LOL Thanks for the Quickie. You always seem to "Leave'm laughing".

Maxi Cane said...

I may have to yoink this for the paper

hope said...

My elderly, very religious old maid aunt had a stroke, which deleted the um..."polite filter" in her brain. Things she would've washed my mouth out with soap for saying as a kid she now says with a smile on her face rivaling Jack Nicholson's best leer.

In the hospital we all heard an ungodly fart and politely pretended not to. She looked at me [why is it always me!?] and said, "Sorry for the nasty burp."

Silly me thought she was confused and so I remained silent. She grinned at me and said, "You don't know what a nasty burp is, do you?"

Before I could answer she said, "It's one that goes out the backdoor."

Kath Lockett said...

That's beautiful that is. :)

Nothing like a perfectly told fart story to put a smile on me face :)

Red Leeroy said...

good stuff Terence, I'll have the duck.

Terence McDanger said...

Brighid, you're most welcome.

De Paper Maxi? Are you still writing a sex column for one of the locals down home yeah?

Hope, a 'nasty burp' wouldn't quite cover it in my book. That's just too demure. Farts need describing in the rudest most onomata...onamatepai....listen I can't spell that but you get what I'm driving at.

Kath, it'd take a tear from your eye. No seriously, it wouldtake a tear from your eye.

Durty Leeroy, your wish is my command.

Holemaster said...

See, THAT'S what makes us Irish different.

Red Leeroy said...

oh Terence I sent you an email to candy robber. check it out.

Baino said...

Haha . . I have a fwend in Cavan . . must see if he knows Durty PJ and his penchant for botty burps!

Helen Daniels said...

Ah theres one in every town. I was in Lahinch at the weekend and met their 'Durty PJ' in a pub. His name is Loxy and he had the habit of talking really closely into your face while belching and blowing it in your eyes without pausing. on the way to the toilet, he passed through our group, stopped in the middle and sort of fell asleep standing up.

we found out from locals later on that hes a millionaire due to a ruined castle on his land! Im heading back down this weekend to see if hes free....

Flann O'Coonassa said...

I think where Durty PJ might have gone wrong, was in not lighting the fart. Had he put a match to his anus at the moment of eruption, instead of awkwardness or embarrassment, he would have drawn a loud 'oooohhhh', from the assembled eaters, followed by a smattering of applause.

I believe David Copperfield began in magic with a similar feat, and look at him now. He's shit.

Terence McDanger said...

Botty Burps!!! How very Enid Blyton of you Baino! ha ha...

Helen Daniels, you're welcome aboard. With that breezy style of yours, I feel like I've known you since last August or something.
Anyway, you protest too much: First name basis, and close face-to-face contact means one thing. Durty weekends in Lahinch. You dawwwwwg!

Flann, I can't decide what would be worse. A naked flame near such an incendiary device, a naked anus whose owner is Durty PJ, or the jealousy at the applause he'd get for something I do every day myself without so much as a murmur from the public.

Helen Daniels said...

Ah cheers.
I'm with Flann O'Coonassa on this one. People in chinese restaurants go mad for the sizzling dishes on hot plates. imagine what they would do if a naked flame chargrilled their food at the table?

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