Monday, September 14, 2009

I hate wasps

I'm afraid of wasps. Ever since our 50-year-old neighbour suffered the indignity of being stung on the balls in bed one night, by a vagrant wasp hanging out in his PJs, I've lived in fear of them. True story.

Last night, for instance, I was in the pub down here in Cavan, drinking Mexican beer that was brewed in Belgium, and talking to a lad from Belfast called Dave about his dog called Dandy that had just died that day. All of a sudden he broke off from one of his dew-eyed slipper-chewing reminiscences and glanced down at my shirt with a look of terror spreading across his face. I wondered briefly if he'd just seen the face of his dead hound appearing mirage-like in my chest hair or something. So I was all set to throw open my arms so the pair of us could, you know, do what all fellas do in rural pubs in Cavan and just hug all that pain away.

But no. I had it wrong.

"Fucking hell mate," he said, backing away in fear and scraping his stool off the floor, "you've a big fat fucker of a wasp on ye."

It was the type I fear most. The old, fat, half dead wasp type that's too banjaxed to be able to buzz any more, so you can't hear him. And as he's too lethargic to fly any more, you never see him approaching either. Yes. The stealth wasp, invisible to radar. Rumour has it when they're barely clinging to life like that, they just prowl about gasping and looking for something to sting for no reason. Because that's just what they do. They're wasps. So not only are they furtive, they're mindlessly violent with it.

Anyway I flicked the thing off me and because I didn't want to look like a big girl, I calmly went to the jacks, and in the safety of the cubicle I took off my shirt and frantically whacked the shite out of it off the walls to kill anything that might be crawling about inside it. The Belfast lad was still terrified when I came back, scanning the floor and checking his clothes and asking everyone at the bar had they seen thon wasp anywhere hye?

Yep. I hate wasps. I've only been stung once, when I was experimenting as a child and trapped a few of them in a tin can and shook it a lot to hear them pinging about like nutters and making angry noises inside. Of course one of them got out and neatly reversed his arse on to my hand and wiggled his nasty little payload in before I knew what was happening. Ouch. It all swelled up and I was arthritic for a whole day. Now, I'd almost crash the car or fumigate an entire house if I so much as hear one in the vicinity, and I get so over zealous about it I'd try to swat one on a window with a frying pan.

I'm not into killing things in general, but let's face it, wasps are utterly, utterly pointless as insects. They lack the aesthetic of the butterfly or ladybird, the pest-killing ability of the humble spider and aren't as funny-sounding as Daddy Long Legs. Wasps, in fact, do fuck all except make irritating noises and hang around bins craving sugar, and then they randomly inject their arses into you for the hell of it.

Apparently they're more afraid of us than we are of them, but I dunno.

Oh yeah, and there was a band called WASP and it was supposed to stand for "We Are Sexual Perverts." Nuff said.

26 moos and woofs:

Grow Up said...

I have a notion they do in fact eat catterpillars, which, to a man who grows gooseberries, is a good thing. I also heard their mindless aggression at this time of year is from eating semi-fermented windfalls, so they are in fact pissed. I got stung right beside my eye by one of the fuckers while sitting in senior infants. I was a kid at the time, I wasn't just hanging out there.

Susan at Stony River said...

Ah.

So now you're in Cavan having pints but you haven't come up to have pints with me at all, have ya?

And with you being cast into joblessness and all, I may have paid for a fair few of those, I'd think.

But, you didn't.
So I haven't.
And there you are.

Hmph.

Radge said...

I'm the same with mice. I fucking... I just... I hate them. I can't be doing with rodents. They scare the bestupid out of me.

Wasps, not so much.

NaRocRoc said...

I misread the title initially as "I hate Wispas" and I was thinking what did that delightful piece of airy chocolatey goodness ever do to Mr McDanger. But I was clearly delusional.

But yes... wasps = cunts.

Terence McDanger said...

@Grow Up: I should have realised you'd have some insights here, I know you're a son of the soil. They eat caterpillars? Really? Are caterpillars full of sugar or something? And wasps get pissed as well? So they're stealthy, aggressive and can't hold their beer either? There really is nothing whatsoever to recommend the little bastards. But fair dues, you crammed a lot in there old chap!

@Susan: I can't do any right in your eyes at all these days! Besides, you're a bit out of the way up there. But if I'm ever on tour...
By the way, that wasn't your husband in the pub with me last night was it? Is your dog still alive and stuff?

@ Radge: Mice don't sting. And they're useful for lab experiments. I wouldn't keep one, say, in my underwear like yer boy off Last of the Summer Wine, but I can co-exist peacefully with all rodents besides rats. Wasps though, I say exterminate them all.

@NaRocRoc: I have nothing against the humble wispa, you're right, I've been a fan ever since the Smith and Jones ads from right back when they were launched.

Nice succinct summation on the wasp as well, my post would have been a hell of a lot shorter had I gone for the shorthand approach like that.

Maxi Cane said...

They're smarter than they'd have us believe too, tehy keep flying in my window seemingly forgetting where it is.

Out comes the RAID and suddenly they find it again.
Pushy, never being anywhere they're wanted cunts.

Maxi Cane said...

They're smarter than they'd have us believe too, tehy keep flying in my window seemingly forgetting where it is.

Out comes the RAID and suddenly they find it again.
Pushy, never being anywhere they're wanted cunts.

hope said...

Wasps are the devil's playmate. I'm not afraid of snakes, mice don't bother me and although roaches scurrying make me cringe, nothing puts me into high gear like a wasp. I was like this year's before I was stung. Just on the finger, reaching into the mailbox for the newspaper, but I beat that sucker to death with the paper. And I enjoyed it.

I'm thinking the fear came from when I was a kid, Mom stepped on a bee when she was barefoot and her reaction scared the shite out of me. But wasps are pure evil...they give no warning.

Sorry, too much info. Um...I concur with you. They're not necessary. Ever.

But you should be nice to Susan. Coming home to find your house has gone nuts in your absence is not a fun homecoming.

The Man at the Pub said...

Wow, you really do hate wasps.

We're not so keen on them here in Ostraya either. The farmers shoot 'em because they carry spring lambs back to their nests to feed their larvae. When a small child disappears, it's usually a dingo or a priest, but wasps are always suspect. We have an old Aussie saying over here, "Bluddy wasps a' fukkin barstards mate".

Baino said...

Oh that Man at the Pub! He's been hitting the turps! European wapses aren't a huge problem here but he's sort of right we have mofo huge mud wapses and hornets that sound like B52's

They lay eggs in the exhaust in my leaf blower and then pinch spiders to stuff in the hole to feed the larvae and I can't start the blower without pokeing sludgy squishy stuff out of the hole and hoping that mumsy is long gone!

Drinking in Cavan ey? Don't hang out at The Rossa do you?

Terence McDanger said...

For a minute there Maxi I thought RAID might be some sort of sex toy.

Nice to meet a fellow sufferer hope. It is embarrassing when I start shrieking and body-popping every time there's one near me though.
But wasn't Susan's house nuts already?

Jesus Christ TMATP, you had me going there for a minute. All I know about Strailya comes from books by Bill Bryson so I'd readily believe you have wasps the size of the eagles off Lord of the Rings.

Baino, Mud wasps? That steal spiders and lay eggs in leaf blowers? I'm never going to Strailya, I wouldn't last five minutes with all those nasties about. The Irish wasp is just a tiddler by comparison with those lads.
The Rossa in Cavan town? My auntie drinks there occasionally but it's not in my parish. You've been chatting to your Cavan pals again!

Anonymous said...

Wasps are ugly pieces of useless shit.

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