Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Nat King Karma


Are you available for and actively seeking employment Terence?

Okay, so she made me promise not to tell anyone and I did solemnly swear and all that but I want to put this out there to recognise a kindess, or for Karmic reasons, or whatever.

And because I fancied her a wee bit too.

Right. This week I went into the Social Welfare office, got signed up and signed on, and they have me approved and ready for the first payment already. Yep. That quick. I'm an official, depressing statistic inside the blink of an eye and what's more, I'm very pleased with it all. Surely this is some sort of record? Is there not supposed to be an eight-week wait? And all sorts of lamentable checks and forms and stuff? Blood tests? Stool samples? Sealed transcripts of how much you got on your confirmation day?

Sure, they were even nice to me so they were.

It was so neatly handled and painless it was like going to the dentist to have all your wisdom teeth out, trembling in trepidation, and finding to your surprise that he'd craftily removed them with the hearty slap on the back he gave you in greeting when you walked in the door.

Is that all like? Do you not want me to cry or beg or something?

Now although I had every last bit of required documentation gathered, present and correct, and then some, I can tell this is not typical. That's because after signing off on my signing on inside a dizzying 15 minutes, she leaned conspiratorially into the plexi-glass and with a wide-eyed whisper, beseeched me not to go out on the streets with a loudhailer proclaiming their awe-inspiring efficiency to all and sundry. For fear, you see, that it would be the clarion call for a deluge of hopeful unemployeds, all travelling long distances to inundate her as they seek the quicksharp succour of the mythical WonderWelfareWoman. And sadly, these sorts of quick turnarounds (crap Wonder Woman pun intended) are just not always possible she says. I think I'm just very lucky or something.

So I'll not mention any names or locations to protect the identity of the superhero involved, because she presumably has a family who know nothing about her amazing powers. Although surely it's only a matter of time before the neighbours see her star-spangled knickers on the line and her cover's blown.

She was a bit of a fox as well actually. Verrrrrrrrrry cute. Nice Rs too. Actually, can foxes be cute? Hmm. Maybe she was more of a rabbit so. Either one or the other I guess, although not at the same time obviously because that might confuse her as she'd be trying to chase herself around the office all day, wanting to eat herself and then having to deal with possible feelings of self-loathing and stuff. 

Yes, on reflection, the rabbitty fox/foxy rabbit thing is an annoying circuitous analogy and should never be used again but I like the image of her careering through furniture trying to bite a lump out her own bum, so I'm leaving it in.

So there you have it. I was expecting to be interrogated and indecently probed by some leather-clad Nazi superbitch in wrought-iron underpants, who'd spend three hours shining a light in my eyes and slapping me around the room with her stiletto. But instead I got a nice smiley girleen in a woolly jumper and boots who couldn't do enough to help me. So, you know, that's all good and fair play to the lady involved because the staff there get a bad press sometimes.

My apologies if anyone reading this hasn't had things run so smoothly for them, but you know, it was all so slick and polished for me, I nearly forgot the fact that I no longer have a job or a regular income.

Well nearly. But although I had to leave my pride at the door going in, I was sure to pick it up on the way back out.

32 moos and woofs:

Radge said...

Sounds eerily similar to my experience, which I detailed circa June 27th/28th. Can't be bothered to look.

But yeah, while others I know were waiting two months, I was picking up the shekels within a week and a half of being let go. I'm going to miss being a doler now that I've signed off. There was a kind of humble ceremony to it.

OK, not really.

hope said...

The planets must have been correctly aligned for such a government miracle...or perhaps you are simply a smooth talker in person with a handsome personality.

How would I know? The cows won't show me any pictures.

Anyway, when you get bored waiting for your check, I left you an award on my blog.

Susan at Stony River said...

Well, that's just great.

I came here expecting some smooth sexy Nat King Cole type stuff and I've got the WW theme song in my head instead for the first time in thirty years...and what's worse, that visual you conjured of her spangly panties on the line.

That ain't right.

Red Leeroy said...

That shit makes me want to cry Terence. And if I am honest it also makes me wish I hadn't been so god damn employable. I hope you slipped your digits (not your fingers) under that plexi glass?

Baino said...

Never tried it frankly. I just went through the abject humiliation of being 'interviewed' in private Employment agencies by holier than thou 20 somethings with perky breasts telling me how well qualified I was . . WTF would they know they were only just out of nappies!

Terence McDanger said...

For fucks sake Radge I went back there to read yours and I just can't believe you're out there deliberately having almost identical experiences to me, pre-emptively, just to deprive me of the chance to blog about them and thus making me appear dull and unoriginal in due course. You've changed man, you've really changed, YOU USED TO BE MY FRIEND.
Sob, whimper, dab hankie to nose...

Hope: Women always relax in my company when there's a six-inch thick sheet of plexi-glass there for security. I bring one everywhere now and although I look like something from the riot police, it's a great way to start conversations and meet people. Thanks for my award by the way! Two sugars please!

Susan: What's this? I'm a conjuror of visuals? Oooh that's fancy that is. But listen, I'll take it uptown with some smoky jazz and dulcet crooning soon, promise, k? Uhhhhhhhn-fu-get-uh-ball....

Leeroy: We had a brief moment where we vainly pressed our hands to the glass and looked longingly at each other alright, but then the foxy rabbit shit kicked off and she went barrelling round the office barking all high-pitched and trying to bite herself. Sigh.

Baino: Oooooooooh perky-breasted young things looking at me over their glasses and telling me huskily how 'well qualified' I am. And remarking lustily that I'm surely eligible for 'extra benefits!' Oooooooh!
(It's not you darling, it's me, seriously).

Kath Lockett said...

You deserve a cyber-choc from me for making a trip to the dole office sound almost like....well, fun.

It's now how I rememember it from my dim and dark 5 months in 1994 but I clearly don't possess the physical and intellectual charms that you do, Mr McDanger......

Maxi Cane said...

I think I know of the foxy little plexy glass minx you speak of.
She also processed my payments really quickly when I was signing on.
She was even nicer when I signed off.

The Man at the Pub said...

Better luck next time, and you may actually get that stiletto weilding, leather-clad, slapping Nazi superbitch.

Grow Up said...

I don't have wisdom teeth, genetically lacking them.

Holemaster said...

I'm sure you're a charming bastard too which probably got her all perked up. A smile and a lingering look can do wonders. Wonder Woman was my first "hang on, what's that" moment.

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