Today, remaining fully committed to the blog, I've been wracking my brains for something to write.
I started off a post called "Stupid tee-shirts sicken my hole", which was about men who wear teeshirts with stuff like "Well, it ain't gonna suck itself" and "Tell your tits to stop staring at me" written across the chest. Apparently they think it's funny. I do not. But the post just got really, really ranty and bitter and scarily angry so I parked it in the drafts and will return to it some time when I haven't been drinking petrol and taking ecstacy.
Seeing as I am unemployed now and getting very anxious about it too, I thought that maybe a quick whistle-stop tour of all the jobs I've ever had, well, it might be interesting. I hold my hands up here though, I was wrong. It was singularly disinteresting.
Therefore, apropos of absolutely nothing at all, I've come over all Channel 4 and have been wondering to the point of distraction how to compile a list of the best ever films with cows in the title. But, dash it all to buggery, I can only get as far as nine before being forced to give up in a stage of high agitation. The magical tenth eludes me.
Yes. It is rather cheesy I know, but it's been too long since I did a cow-related post. And sure I just wanted to write something. So here we go, Top 10 Movies with Cows in the Title, please make suggestions for the tenth. I can't stand having a top ten with only nine in it.
1. Apocolypse Cow
Renegade army cows. Cows flying helicopters. One cow chasing another around the jungle. Martin Sheen and Robert Duval, dressed as cows. Marilyn Brando, the fat cow. You get the picture.
2. Seven Brides for Seven Udders
Seven cow brothers with beards and check shirts, looking like lumberjacks, who each find wives all at once, which is unbelieveably jammy. The last-born cow may have gifts of healing the sick.
3. Raging Bull
Simple one here. A heavyweight boxer cow fights his way to the very top, battling personal demons along the way, chief of which was being forced to eat steak before big bouts. Some of the mince scenes were incredibly realistic.
4. Oh Brother, Where art Cow?
Very odd film all things told. I know the cows have a recording hit after they escape prison, cannot find proper hairdressing cream (Dapper Dan, you couldn't be doing with that Pomade shite) and strangest of all, one gets turned into a frog, and then at the very end, the nice folks at the ESB open the fucking dam and flood the place, the fuckers.
5. Bovine secrets of the Moo-Moo sisterhood
From the people who brought you The Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants. I genuinely have no clue what it's about but I'll hazard a guess it's about a suburban sewing circle for cows who meet up for tea and gossip every week. And one of them produces contaminated milk and hasn't told her friends because of the shame that would spread through this idyllic American neighbourhood with manicured lawns, picket fences and girl scouts selling cookies.
6. Moo Velvet
I think this is a David Lynch one, with Dennis Hopper playing a cow with BSE to massive critical acclaim.
7. The Naked Gun Two and a Calf
Leslie Nielsen in another madcap outing as bumbling detective Frank Drebin. I'm keeping this one factual because I can't say anything stupider than it actually is.There may have been a bit where one cow compliments another on her beaver though.
8. Sergeant Heifer's Lonely Hearts Club Band
Beatles vehicle which of course makes us all think of the Volkswagen, but that was the one where Herbi(vore) the cow goes to Monty Carlow. Different movie altogether.
9. The Silage of the Lambs
Ok, ok, I'm really digging now and going slightly outside the established species parameters, but who can resist Sir Anthony Hopkins defining performance in this, his tour de force? "I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti," he reveals, with the cannibalism being less startling than the fact that cows have a taste for a nice red, apparently.
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