Monday, January 18, 2010

Ever decreasing circles

I just don't know what to do with myse-he-helf.

I think, with all this very specific lack of direction in my life, I'm becoming progressively more addled and turning into a cardigan-wearing combover like Bryn offof Gavin and Stacey, complete with the misplaced sense of own funniness.

This morning, for instance, I finally struck on the method to prepare perfect porridge in the microwave. There's a mathematical and scientific foundation to the perfect porridge you know, and it is this: Five scoops of oats (level), milk to within no less than an inch from the lip of the bowl, a 'flourish' of squeezy honey (I call it a 'flourish' of honey now) and precisely 2 mins and 34 secs of microwave later, the *ping* signals the arrival of breakfast manna. Even if it resembles a bowl of dead leper soup in appearance, its thick but not too gloopy consistency is a minor triumph.

I'm genuinely disturbed that space actually exists in my life to not only find this out, but also that it represents some sort of achievement in the day. What's worse is, this morning I actually said out loud, to the pot plant on the windowsill: "Uh huh huh, I get my oats every day honey." Now that's just fucking incredibly sad whatever way you look at it.

I'm sure the plant bowed its head a little and cried.

I then repaired to my bedroom and contemplated tidying it. My room is messier now than it ever was when I was working, and ostensibly busier. I like to keep it higgledy-piggledy, mostly for the exscuse to use Gerard Manley Hopkins phrases like higgledly-piggledly, but also for the illusion it conjures that yes, I am way too important and called-upon in this world to have time for mere domestic chores. Besides, I like the way my strung-out longsocks look like a trail of dead, dehydrated ferrets making for a drink from the toilet bowl in my ensuite.

In short, I am somewhat worried at the turn my mind is taking. I recline on the memory foam pillow, that's forgotten more bad times than good, and resolve to keep my brain supple. At which point I take out all my clean underpants and christen them with first names like Aristotle and Marmaduke, and then I serve them tea and fairy cakes in little china cups.

It doesn't work. I leave them on the floor with the ferrets and tell them not to fight.

I still feel a little dead inside, incomplete and numb in the brain. I needs myself a woman, I think, that'll give me something to get my teeth into. Specifically, a tall woman. I'm 6'1" and tired of stooping for the vertically challenged, God, so send me an elegant, lithe wrap-around woman I demand, post-haste. God listens and decrees it a tall order, and reminds me that I'm possibly jetting off half way around the world if things fall right for me, so I can't be going about the place continuously trying to put my hoo-hoo-dilly in the fandangoes of lanky lovelies! (As the man upstairs would say, if the sixth commandment were slightly different.)

But I swear, as God's my witness (he's there above, where'd you'd expect him to be) if there's one more of those awkward water-cooler moments at work I won't be responsible for what I do.

I go on to facebook next. It's where I do my most of socialising now that my life is rendered meaningless through lack of socialising. Someone sends me a rude quiz where you work out a virtual fine you owe to society based on your sexual adventures, the ruder the deed, the bigger the fine. "Have you ever used toys during sex?" goes one question. Yes, I reply, one girl was so shit that I whipped out an etch-a-sketch mid-coitus and drew houses to keep myself amused, does that count? I got no reply.

Ah well. Just a few more months treading water and then I know where I'm going, as opposed to just knowing where I'm not. Onwards.
Wednesday, January 06, 2010

Q and A and Review of 2009 but then it kinda veers off

Chew on this! I kinda got going and couldn't stop...

The Start

Where were you on New Years?
If you mean the one just gone, I was in Dublin, roaring drunken abuse at parked cars in the vain hope one might be a taxi.
If you mean the previous crossover point at which 2008 became 2009, I was in Cavan pretending I wasn't mad at someone.

Did you drink?
Does the Pope shit in the woods?

Did you kiss anyone when the ball dropped?
Nope, I was hiding in the jacks avoiding all the fakery and air kissing bullshit from people who scarcely know me much less fucking like me. And I'm ignoring the comic potential of balls dropping and kissing thanks very much.
Did it snow at all during Janurary?
You'd be far better off learning how to spell January than asking me stupid inane questions like that you silly bollocks.

Were you single on Valentines Day?
Yes, it turns out I was, but I wouldn't find out until a month later.

Were you in school?
No I was not, unless etiquette classes and TEFL courses count?

Any new addition into your family?
It's not invonceiveable that one of the McDangers spawned alright, I usually don't find out until they grow up a little and ask me for money

Did you wear green on St. Patrick's Day?
I don't recollect but if you put a gun to my head - which would frankly be a very worrying degree of keenness to know the answer to something so banal - then I'd say no, it was most unlikely I'd wear something green on Paddy's Day.

Did you graduate in May?
I did surely. In 1997. Except it was November. But oh well, nearly right I suppose.

How long did it take for it to get warm in spring?
I distinctly remember looking up at the clock in work on April 4th at precisely 2.13pm and remarking how the chill had finally left the air, at which point we all took off our clothes and had a big sexy frolic in the altogether.

Summer 2009
Who did you hang out with the most?
People from work mostly, aid workers, the people from meals on wheels and surprisingly, Michael Jackson and Elvis (every other weekend)

Where did you go?
We seldom got any further than the pub.

Where didn't you go that you wish you had?
That's very confusingly phrased, in fairness

Did you meet someone new that you still talk to today?
Yes, I have a winning, exuberant personality that draws many, many equally wonderful people to my side

Did you still work?
Ah God yeah. The odd bits fall off and I have trouble getting going on cold mornings but I manage to clunk along well enough. Like Tin Man in Wizard of Oz. Oh wait...

Did you end any relationships?
I refused a few, does that count?

Did you go swimming or tan more?
That's a fucking ridiculous question, but if I must: I can't swim and I tend to burn mostly.

Where did you spend the most time?
At the gym. I'm not going to lie to you: It's the best cover in the world for staring at hawt girls who are sweaty and bent over

Did you take lots of pictures?
I did until she got the barring order through.

Fall Time/Winter Time
Did the leaves look pretty?
They did, yes. Some days I just stared at them and cried, others I tried to revive them with Atrixo handcream.

What did you do for Halloween?
Nothing remotely Hallow'een-esque, apart from  boiling a few trick or treaters in acid and pouring them down the drains.

Did you remember September 11?
Who doesn't?

Did you dress up for Halloween?
It was actually the only day of the year I didn't go out stark raving naked with my balls painted bright blue, would you credit that.

What did you do on Christmas?
Duh. Ate. Drank. Slept. Farted. Usually in the same hour.

Did it snow?
Yes, it got here eventually and it ain't fucking off anytime soon by the looks of it.

Was it cold?
Is snow ever hot? Jesus Christ...

Did you get good presents?
No, I got no presents, having declared a present freeze due to straitened circumstances caused by blowing my redundancy cheque on whores, jaffa cakes and diamond encrusted tea-towels.

Other Questions
Did you have a good birthday this year?
I didn't have a bad one at all but I hijacked my sister's a few days later anyway and it was the fucking bomb altogether.

Did you break up with anyone?
I copped off with someone actually, so put that in your pipe and smoke it, huh!

Drink alcohol?
No, it was a fancy dress party and I went as the US state of Utah. What the fuck do you think?

Went to a crazy party?
Yes, my sister's, see above, good times and many laughs for life and a hangover that lasted almost as long

Spend too much time online?
My blogging was patchy but I was otherwise a fairly frequent flyer

Make any new friends?
Yes of course, the people at my Caroline Morahan addiction group are a massive support to me, always

Did you watch lots of football?
Does the bear shit on a Pope?

Did you learn anything new?
How to be an English Teacher, although this is as yet an untested claim

The New Year
What do you wish to accomplish this year?
I'll tell you when I accomplish it, deal?

Do you want to fall in love this year?

Not particularly, no, but when that pink fluffy bunny master of lorve comes and looks at me with those Bambi eyes (what on earth has Bambi been doing with the rabbits!!) only a heart of stone could look away.

Are you moving away or moving out?
I fervently hope so with all of my heart

Are you going to school next semester?
It's possible I could be teaching in one if I get my ducks in a row. 'Row' meaning straight line, I don't promote duck fighting in general, it's immoral.

General feelings about things
Do you snore?
Yes, tremulously when drunk, or so I'm told.

Lover or a fighter?
The former I shouldn't think, but I'd be torn as to how to answer if I liked rough sex

What's your worst fear?
Never amounting to anything, and being accused of using italics too often in my blogs, I worry equally about both these grim possibilities. 

As a kid, were you a lego builder?
Oh ho ho yes, I'd built three housing estates in Cavan town and scarpered with the money by the time I was 12. Better a lego builder than a cowboy builder is what I always say. Or something.

What do you think of "reality tv"?
I think it's symptomatic of a society so vacuous, moribund, spoon-fed with nonsense and spellbound by bullshit that we will soon eat ourselves alive and laugh at each other while we do it.

Do you chew on your straws?
I prefer food to be honest.

Were you a cute baby?
I prefer to think I was more sexy, I certainly dressed a bit sluttily when I was a toddler, possibly attention seeking.

How is the single life for you?
I love the single life whenever I meet a new girl

What color is your keyboard?

Do you sing in the shower?
I tend to mumble and chime along a bit like the kid in the choir who doesn't know the words

Have you ever bungee jumped?
Some bar stools give me vertigo for fucks sake, there's not a chance of me bungee jumping, ever.

Any secret talents?
I have many talents I keep secret from others, yes. For instance, I'm very like Jason Bourne.

What's your ideal vacation spot?
Somewhere culturally interesting with good food, weather, cheap beer and hawt women.

Have you eaten sushi?
I tried it once just to say I'd done it. Next up: heroin. "I tried it once, been trying it once ever since" etc. etc.

Are blondes dumb?
People are dumb, end of.

How do you like your eggs?
Preferably, laid, although I will get in there and forage if required.

Do you cry at weddings?
Only with laughter

Is tupac still alive?
I really hope not, I think they buried him a few years ago like...

When was the last time you said, "i love you"
Probably last week, on the phone to one of the lads in the office. It's what we do.

What are you allergic to?
Pollen, dust, people with BO

Do you like your handwriting?
It's pretty damn good, yeah, I'd love to make a font of it and use it on my blog to give it that real personal touch but while this is possible, only people who also bought my font and installed it would be able to read it and get the full effect so bang goes that idea.

Is marriage in your future?
If it is, it is, if it's not, it's not. It's not worth getting one's knickers in a knot over really.

What's your stand on hunting?
It's what other people do and I leave them to it

Are speedos hot?
There's nothing remotely hot about having your Biggy and Smalls tautened and squished in the manner of helpless roadkill trapped in a twisted hammock. And that's my last word on the matter.

Have you ever been on an airplane?

Do you mean travelled, or used the jacks? Both if so.

Can you sing the alphabet backwards?
I wasn't aware of it being some rite of passage, so no, I've never been encouraged to try.

How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
Some people really just are not comfortable talking about oral sex.

Do you give a darn about the ozone?
It tends not to keep me awake at night, I have to be honest and up front here

Have you seen the movie "Donnie Darko"?
Bits of it, never all of it at once

Have you ever hitch hiked?
Yes. Back in the day when these things were acceptable and safe. I had a car of my own and all like, I just liked the company and it got me out of the house.

Are you wearing socks?
I am. They are, however, on my hands as I'm into sock puppetry and dammit I just can't seem to stop...

Is drug free the way to be?
Personally speaking, yes, I'm stupid enough while only under the influence of myself and anything artificial would surely push me beyond the beyond. 

How many times have you brushed your teeth today?
Once. But the night is young! I could go crazy and do it twice more. Woooo!

Have you ever ridden in an ambulance?
Life has not seen fit to bestow this undoubted pleasure upon me, no.

Crunchy or creamy peanut butter?
Both. Or neither. Here, I don't actually give a fuck really.

What are you addicted to?
The internet. Caroline Morahan. Jaffa Cakes. Cashew nuts. Exercise. Smithwicks.

Are you afraid of the dark?
Occasionally, if I've seen a really scary movie it takes me back to when I was a kid, shitting planks going to bed after watching Salem's Lot. I never knew Starsky and Hutch could be so dark.

Is santa clause real?
No comment.

Do you prefer baths or showers?
Showers are for washing in, baths are for wallowing in. Each has its merits depending on the occasion.

When was the last time you were in a car?
There last Tuesday.

Is McDonald's disgusting?
It is in me hole, Mickey D's is savage every once in a while.

Do you have a nickname?
If I have I don't know what it is,which is a sure sign I wouldn't like whatever it is if I do have one. 

What time is it?
Buy a watch, fucko. 

Where does the other sock end up?
On my hand, the sock puppetry guidelines are quite strict in this regard.

Do you like your life?

When's the last time you cried?
When me and my last proper girlfriend broke up. Ten years is worth a few tears doncha think?

What color are your eyes?
They're brown, and lovely, according to the  40-something from Cork who wanted me to make babies with her friend a few weeks back. (Declined).

Have you read "Catcher in the Rye"?
Yes. With all the advance billing, I came to it expecting something akin to "To Kill a Mockingbird" and came away somewhat unfulfilled.

Are you psychic?
I knew you were going to ask that.

Whose life is better?
I'm not happy with everything in my life but I still wouldn't trade it for anyone else's

Do you play any instruments?
The triangle, the kazoo, my own armpit.

Do you like camping?
I haven't been for ages but when you were 14 it was a great way of getting pissed with your mates under the pretext of "bonding" and "learning about nature" and sure there was even an element of truth in both of those if any of the girls came along.

Can you skateboard?
Like Basil Fawlty having electric shock therapy, yes.

Do you snort when you laugh?
Ah God no, that's uncouth. I laugh when I fart though, I suspect both phenomena are cousins or some such.

Do you believe in magic?

Is a dog a man's best friend?
Is man a dog's best friend, hmmm?

Do you believe in divorce?
Well it's hardly up there with the Easter Bunny in the incredulity stakes, is it?

Can you do the moonwalk?
I know how it's done but I just can't actually do it.

What was the last thing you ate?
Jaffa Cakes. Om nom nom nom...

Do you wear nailpolish?
Not since The Something and Something Elses broke up, no.

Favorite band at the moment?
The National, still.

What's the most annoying tv commercial?

Go and fuck off more like.

Honourable mention to: "We buy any com...we buy any com...we buy any com..."

Do you like someone right now?
Oh yes, if it happens I'll let you know.