Monday, January 18, 2010

Ever decreasing circles

I just don't know what to do with myse-he-helf.

I think, with all this very specific lack of direction in my life, I'm becoming progressively more addled and turning into a cardigan-wearing combover like Bryn offof Gavin and Stacey, complete with the misplaced sense of own funniness.

This morning, for instance, I finally struck on the method to prepare perfect porridge in the microwave. There's a mathematical and scientific foundation to the perfect porridge you know, and it is this: Five scoops of oats (level), milk to within no less than an inch from the lip of the bowl, a 'flourish' of squeezy honey (I call it a 'flourish' of honey now) and precisely 2 mins and 34 secs of microwave later, the *ping* signals the arrival of breakfast manna. Even if it resembles a bowl of dead leper soup in appearance, its thick but not too gloopy consistency is a minor triumph.

I'm genuinely disturbed that space actually exists in my life to not only find this out, but also that it represents some sort of achievement in the day. What's worse is, this morning I actually said out loud, to the pot plant on the windowsill: "Uh huh huh, I get my oats every day honey." Now that's just fucking incredibly sad whatever way you look at it.

I'm sure the plant bowed its head a little and cried.

I then repaired to my bedroom and contemplated tidying it. My room is messier now than it ever was when I was working, and ostensibly busier. I like to keep it higgledy-piggledy, mostly for the exscuse to use Gerard Manley Hopkins phrases like higgledly-piggledly, but also for the illusion it conjures that yes, I am way too important and called-upon in this world to have time for mere domestic chores. Besides, I like the way my strung-out longsocks look like a trail of dead, dehydrated ferrets making for a drink from the toilet bowl in my ensuite.

In short, I am somewhat worried at the turn my mind is taking. I recline on the memory foam pillow, that's forgotten more bad times than good, and resolve to keep my brain supple. At which point I take out all my clean underpants and christen them with first names like Aristotle and Marmaduke, and then I serve them tea and fairy cakes in little china cups.

It doesn't work. I leave them on the floor with the ferrets and tell them not to fight.

I still feel a little dead inside, incomplete and numb in the brain. I needs myself a woman, I think, that'll give me something to get my teeth into. Specifically, a tall woman. I'm 6'1" and tired of stooping for the vertically challenged, God, so send me an elegant, lithe wrap-around woman I demand, post-haste. God listens and decrees it a tall order, and reminds me that I'm possibly jetting off half way around the world if things fall right for me, so I can't be going about the place continuously trying to put my hoo-hoo-dilly in the fandangoes of lanky lovelies! (As the man upstairs would say, if the sixth commandment were slightly different.)

But I swear, as God's my witness (he's there above, where'd you'd expect him to be) if there's one more of those awkward water-cooler moments at work I won't be responsible for what I do.

I go on to facebook next. It's where I do my most of socialising now that my life is rendered meaningless through lack of socialising. Someone sends me a rude quiz where you work out a virtual fine you owe to society based on your sexual adventures, the ruder the deed, the bigger the fine. "Have you ever used toys during sex?" goes one question. Yes, I reply, one girl was so shit that I whipped out an etch-a-sketch mid-coitus and drew houses to keep myself amused, does that count? I got no reply.

Ah well. Just a few more months treading water and then I know where I'm going, as opposed to just knowing where I'm not. Onwards.

17 moos and woofs:

Kath Lockett said...

Terence sweetie, if you can derive amusement from not only improving the way you make porridge but actually enjoying *eating* it, then you've already achieved far more at your young age than I ever did.

OK yes, you may be talking to your kitchen plant, but today I found myself (again) kissing Skipper the rabbit on his lips and saying, "You're a good boy, yes you are," and looking up to see the neighbours in Flat 3B stopping their domestic spat and staring at me in silence and horror.

Find your lanky lovely. Isn't it always the way that just as the plane tickets are bought, the job lined up and the flat rented out that you find the ONE?

Radge said...

I thought I was the ONE.

But really, porridge? The Crazy Cat Girl made me eat a small bowl of it back in the year, and in that moment I knew...

I just knew...

...this is what Satan's muck tastes like.

Baino said...

Aww .. . come over 'ere then and I'll give you a big hug! Porridge? You have sunk to the depths of depravity. Awful stuff so it must be good for you. And seriously, my girl had men throwing themselves at her before she left for the big trip, like a magnet she was . . Erm Korean women are likkle? Yeh maybe so but they talk funny.

Susan at Stony River said...

Porridge a la Cyahhvan, that's just the way B next door has it, not-too-gloopy and with honey. What's-his-name downstairs puts butter in it. Sadly, we all actually *did* have a long Discussion-On-Porridge one evening down the pub.

Good auld Cavan. This place sucks, man. Run for it Terence and save yourself.

hope said...

Better take a tall woman with you. Most of the Japanese ladies are my height....which is just above keyboard level. ;)

hope said...

I've just envisioned McDanger walking into every tightening circles until he becomes one with himself.

Which makes it hard to find a keyboard to communicate. ;)

french mastiff said...

porridge i cant really expect what other dis but certainly i can say that their is something which is lacking behind to all ,i really don't found the skipper kissing the rabbit,its pretty awful and no body will recognizes it certainly.

Nishant said...

This place sucks, man. Run for it Terence and save yourself.

Work From Home

dog fence said...

I think HOPE is right...

dog containment systems said...

I think they should kiss but i think dat skipper should be like so sweet and tell her something cute like he likes her and marlene kisses him on da cheek or sometin cuz den they can't kiss on da lips...or beak! It would look totally weird specially cuz dey dont got da same kinda of mouth!!! But on da cheek would be cute!!! But i dont think dat'll ever happen cuz dats a cartoon and i dont tink dat older people who create dis wud understand dat its cute how their friend ship is more like ya no look listen to dis summary i got on nick.com about marlene: An otter who's originally from Northern California, Marlene is still adjusting to her new life in Manhattan. Fiercely independent, Marlene has decided not to choose sides between the Penguins and the Lemurs. In fact, she finds herself agreeing with Skipper as often as she agrees with King Julien. Marlene's playful spirit often clashes with Skipper's organization and discipline but that doesn't hurt their friendship.

electric dog fence said...

But on da cheek would be cute!!! But i dont think dat'll ever happen cuz dats a cartoon and i dont tink dat older people who create dis wud understand dat its cute how their friend ship is more like ya no look listen to dis summary i got on nick.com about marlene: An otter who's originally from Northern California, Marlene is still adjusting to her new life in Manhattan.

pixymagic said...

Hey buddy that was a gud post
lot of quality stuff and essential information
Mitsubishi 3000GT Turbo

~ae said...

Hey you, here's a bit to cheer you up!
http://youtu.be/xhCY-3XnqS0

Interesting Facts said...

Someone sends you a rude quiz. That's crazy. Hope is good.

Electric Dog Fence said...

This is my very first time I visited here. I discovered numerous cool stuff in your website especially its discussion. From the tons of feedback in your articles, I suppose I am not the one getting all of the enjoyment right here! Proceed the excellent job.

A.adeel Javed said...

Best Hoodies,
True Wisdom Clothing providing a wide range of high quality clothing made from the finest material. We are specialist in Men's Hoodies , T - Shirts , Best Hoodies Polo shirt, Jackets and Jumpers. Place your order today and we will provide you "Free shipping" in all over the Ireland. | Whole Sale customer's can also inquire us about our whole sale prices


Best Regards
www.truewisdomclothing.com
Best Jeans
True Wisdom Clothing providing a wide range of high quality clothing made from the finest material. We are specialist in Men's Hoodies , T - Shirts , Best Hoodies Polo shirt, Jackets and Jumpers. Place your order today and we will provide you "Free shipping" in all over the Ireland. | Whole Sale customer's can also inquire us about our whole sale prices


Best Regards
www.truewisdomclothing.com

Best T-shirts
True Wisdom Clothing providing a wide range of high quality clothing made from the finest material. We are specialist in Men's Hoodies , T - Shirts , Best Hoodies Polo shirt, Jackets and Jumpers. Place your order today and we will provide you "Free shipping" in all over the Ireland. | Whole Sale customer's can also inquire us about our whole sale prices


Best Regards
www.truewisdomclothing.com

Best Polo shirts
True Wisdom Clothing providing a wide range of high quality clothing made from the finest material. We are specialist in Men's Hoodies , T - Shirts , Best Hoodies Polo shirt, Jackets and Jumpers. Place your order today and we will provide you "Free shipping" in all over the Ireland. | Whole Sale customer's can also inquire us about our whole sale prices


Best Regards
www.truewisdomclothing.com

Fida Rana said...

Hi how are you My Dears. I hope you will b fine and GOod.

Very Very Great sharing thnakx to sharing with us.

Mens Hoodies

Post a Comment